Just browsing through an online newspaper when this item
caught my eye.
According to one psychologist, "There are no rules of attraction when it comes to meeting your mate."*
Which got me thinking. ARE there any rules when it comes
to romance? Oh sure, we may draw up a checklist of our ideal soulmate but love
rarely works in such a logical way. As any trained assassin will testify, the best
time to strike a target is when they least expect it. So it is with those
arbitrary arrows of love.
Now I’m not talking about that lovely boy or girl next
door, you understand – the person with whom you’d share your woes, fears and dreams.
Nor am I referring to that remarkably good-looking, incredibly suitable,
Mum-friendly match with his/her own car, house and a sense of humour. No. What
I’M talking about is far more basic – that unadulterated (and usually mindless)
thing called ‘chemistry’.
How else can we explain why a stunning young woman falls
in love with a seedy, unpleasant middle-aged man? What draws a well set up guy with
matinee idol looks to a homespun girl with open pores?
There are countless pundits and relationship experts who’ll
offer their theories….many quite plausible and maybe even true. But one
explanation which has always impressed me is in the book “Families and How to Survive Them” – a collaboration by comedian John
Cleese and family therapist Robin Skynner.**
I no longer have the book and my memory’s not so hot
these days, so apologies if I misinterpret the authors’ findings, but here goes:
From infancy we learn from our parents and other
significant adults which emotions and subsequent behaviours are approved or not.
On the positive side, if we’re caught lying or stealing perhaps, our parents’
negative reaction prevents us doing the same thing again. That’s discipline,
teaching us the do’s and don’ts of everyday living. Which has to be good thing,
right?
Unfortunately, when emotions are involved, boundaries can
get blurred. If, for example, a child cries during a sad film only to be told
to ‘stop being a baby’, he or she may keep such future tears in check and the compassion
which caused them may, in effect, be put ‘behind a screen.’ If he or she gets angry,
even justifiably, and a parent shows disapproval for that anger, it gets put
behind the screen. A child who is discouraged from displaying any ‘undesirable’
emotion puts it behind a screen. Likewise, unpleasant experiences of any kind –
such as, accidents, bullying, domestic discord, separations – are suppressed
and put behind a screen.
So what does this ‘screen’ have to do with attraction?
According to Cleese and Skynner, we each have an emotional sensor which comes into
play whenever we meet someone new. Intuitively, we sense if a person has had similar
experiences to ours, recognising a potential ‘soulmate’ even before we know them.
Because, of course, those emotions are still there, just hidden behind a
screen.
For example: Charles and Penny met as teenagers and it
was love at first sight. When Penny went to live with her mother on another continent,
the feelings remained. Both Penny and Charles met other (very suitable) people,
yet their feelings for each other remained, in fact grew even stronger! Several
years later, Penny returned, married her first love and they’re still together
50 years later! Now that’s chemistry!
What caused such a powerful bond? Although neither knew
about it in their early years together, they later found that during infancy
both their fathers were absent, serving in the forces. Both Charles and Penny
felt resentment when their fathers’ returned, were unable to relate to them and
believed the ‘interloper’ disapproved of them. There was also a natural
jealousy in having to share their mothers’ attention. Could these emotions,
which neither felt able to show, have been the cord which drew them so closely
together?
