"Don't stop believing"

         That was the advice from ex-pat Peter Coghlan when interviewed recently by Eugene Henderson for an article on assisted suicide.

       Pete knows better than most how easy it is to give into despair.  Two years ago, he suffered a massive brain stem stroke which left him locked-in - paralysed except for his eyes, his only means of communication.

       At the time of the article, which appeared in the Sunday Express on 29^th September 2013, police were investigating the possible suicide of former teacher, Victoria Meppen-Walter, who was left in constant pain after a routine operation.

      Having woken up from a coma, Pete overheard doctors saying he’d little chance of recovery. The thought of living the rest of his life unable to move drove him to beg his mother to help him die.

       “Once people believe there is no hope, they give up, but I’ve been through a living hell and it was better than dying,” said Pete. “With the right care, physio and motivation, it can happen. I’m living proof. If you keep trying, things can change.”

       Now recovered from his ordeal, Pete lives in Perth, Western Australia and has written a book based on his experiences as a locked-in patient. “In the Blink of an Eye Reborn” is available on Amazon and Smashwords. 

Pete was totally paralysed after waking from coma

Pete today, now fully recovered from Locked-in

UK:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Blink-Eye-Reborn-Peter-Coghlan/dp/1727145593

US:
https://www.amazon.com/Blink-Eye-Reborn-Peter-Coghlan/dp/1727145593

US: 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/314601

Dreams and how they affect us

Sally felt herself being driven along a rough, undulating path to be confronted by the head of an enormous mouse.....

After someone pushed Alan off the edge of a cliff, he found himself falling into a dark, fathomless abyss....

Jennifer desperately tried to escape as a gang of sinister men approached with pickaxes in their hands, but her legs refused to move....

Flapping his arms vigorously, David began to gain height until at last he could soar above the treetops, taking care to avoid the telephone cables overhead....

No, not horror films or scenes from science fiction, but experiences many people have while safely tucked up in their beds.

Dreaming is not only normal but absolutely vital for our mental health. Without it, we become tetchy and anxious, undergoing personality changes and finding it difficult, even impossible, to concentrate.

According to researchers, infants dream for up to 70 percent of their sleep time, while adults get by with just 24 percent REM activity (Rapid Eye Movement) when the brain is at its most active. Even cats, dogs and other mammals are thought to dream, a fact borne out by their yelping, twitching, growling, grunting and other animal expressions during sleep.

But whoever we are, wherever we live and whatever our circumstances, we all have dreams, although not everyone remembers them; the dreams we DO recall are the ones we have immediately before waking, before they slip like threads of gossamer from our minds.

What happens when we dream

When we nod off, our sleep becomes progressively deeper, reaching a state of total unconsciousness until starting to get lighter. It’s during this lighter phase of sleep when dreaming, or REM activity, occurs - a cycle that is repeated 5-6 times. On average, we can expect to dream for a total of 90-120 minutes throughout the night – roughly the same length as a feature film, though maybe not as thrilling. This is because the most common form of mental activity isn’t dreaming about incredible situations, but ‘sleep thinking’ – a process involving real-life events which tend to be rather mundane. Sleep thinking may however help us resolve any problems or worries we may have.

In fact, with the exception of neurons related to concentration and memory, our brains are actually busier when we dream than when we’re awake. But that’s only to be expected from such a complex organ; the brain has up to 50 billion elements generating between 100-300 signals every second! No wonder it never stops working.

Nightmares

Some dreams can be decidedly unpleasant. Past events and impressions obviously play a part – army veterans may be haunted by horrific wartime experiences, while victims of crime may re-live the fear and panic of their original ordeal.

Nor do they have to be particularly dramatic. Some of the most terrifying dreams can centre on normally innocuous objects, like dustpans or cupboards or mirrors which may suddenly seem sinister and threatening.

Children are particularly prone to frightening dreams. According to a study by mental health experts in Mannheim, Germany, 9 out of 10 youngsters are awoken by nightmares such as being chased, falling, natural disasters and war. Interestingly, gender has a bearing on how dreams are dealt with; boys tending to forget them altogether, while girls talk or even write about them, something which experts encourage. Drawing pictures of the dream or acting it out can also help children to overcome their fears so, as a result, the nightmare eventually occurs less often.

Interpreting dreams  

Humans have been fascinated by dreams since the world began, with many pagan nations including the Greeks, Romans and Egyptians using them as a guide to various aspects of life.  The Babylonians were particularly in thrall to the subconscious, having “such trust in dreams that on the eve of important decisions they slept in temples, hoping for counsel”.

More recently, Sigmund Freud viewed dreams as “the royal road to the unconscious” and tried to interpret them in the light of patients’ repressed desires. Such case studies have since been dismissed by many scientists as over-simplified.

Then there are the ‘dream books’ in which various pundits attach meanings and psychological insights to certain features of a dream – in some cultures, snakes, for example, are thought to represent disease. However, in her book The Dream Game, Ann Faraday believes such books are “equally useless, whether they be traditional or based on some modern psychological theory.”

Another specialist, Dr Rosalind Cartwright, is impressed by the differences between dream interpreters, with many psychotherapists insisting their interpretations are correct, “... apparently quite oblivious to the fact that their colleagues, on the basis of the same dream, may see quite different things for you.”

Can dreams foretell the future?

Many people believe so. For instance, a 1999 survey by sociologists found that over half of Russians believe in prophetic dreams and omens. And they’re by no means alone.  

The Bible has several instances of divinely inspired dreams, including Joseph’s warning to flee to Egypt with Mary before Herod could harm their child Jesus. Jacob, his son Joseph, Daniel, Ezekiel, even pagan rulers Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon and the Pharaoh of Egypt had visions. Yet these were related specifically to God’s purpose and, once the Bible was completed, dreams were no longer used as channels for divine communication.

On the contrary, dreams are just a normal if essential part of life, helping us make sense of our experiences and enhancing our memory. So enjoy them for what they are and, if you’re disturbed by nightmares, instead of looking for any ‘meaning’ in them, look for causes nearer to home.

And cut out the cheese!

Enslaved by pornography? It's time to break free

“Images today have become so extreme that what used to be considered hard-core is now mainstream pornography.”

       Seems to be everywhere these days. From books to magazines, TV to websites, movies to music videos, photo-sharing sites to social media, the whole world is awash with porn, an industry which rakes in roughly $100 billion a year. 

       And this isn’t just any old porn. According to Professor Gail Dines, Emerita of sociology and women's studies at Wheelock College in Boston, Massachusetts: “Images today have become so extreme that what used to be considered hard-core is now mainstream pornography.”

       Even more worrying is the number of people who when confronted with the facts – that  pornography is being viewed by more people than at any time in history – merely shrug and say, “So what?”  The fact is, pornography is so widespread these days, it has virtually been ‘normalised.’

       But does it do any harm? Just what IS wrong with pornography?

       Well, first of all, it’s highly addictive, so much so that many mental health professionals rank it alongside crack cocaine for the power it wields over its victims. People who regularly view porn eventually find they can’t stop, with some suffering trance-like symptoms accompanied by physical shaking and head pains. There are personality changes too: Addicts tend to be highly secretive and deceitful, while feelings of isolation, depression, anxiety and anger are serious by-products of this habit. Worst of it is, even if they wanted to break free, they often feel too ashamed to admit they have a problem! Some people even become suicidal.

       Nobody is immune.  Accidentally coming across an offensive image, however briefly, can leave a permanent scar. Such images are indelibly engraved upon the mind,  occasionally gate-crashing as unwelcome and intrusive thoughts that are difficult to shake off.

       Leading researcher on pornography, Dr Judith Reisman, says: “Pornographic visual images imprint and alter the brain, triggering an instant, involuntary, but lasting, biochemical memory trail that is difficult or even impossible to delete.”

       The effects on families are dire and divisive, undermining trust, intimacy, and fidelity. Being in thrall to porn creates selfishness, dissatisfaction and emotional distance, at the same time fuelling unhealthy sexual fantasies and objectionable, possibly violent, practices to which partners may be subjected. Extreme or not, porn demeans, poisons relationships and causes loss of respect for oneself and others.

       “Pornographic visual images imprint and alter the brain" 

       Adults, of course, have choices. What is very worrying in today’s climate is the way children are targeted through Smartphones and other mobile devices, triggering a potentially destructive pattern of promiscuity from very young ages, with catastrophic results. Boundaries are blurred, emotions are scarred and the victim may never be able to form lasting partnerships in later life.

       How can an addict break free?

       The best way to avoid this state of affairs is not to let it begin in the first place. If your hands were tied with a single cotton thread, it would be relatively easy to get loose. But if the same thread were continuously wrapped around your hands, it would be much harder to break. This is why it’s vital to pull way from anything  which could arouse sexual feelings....and never let curiosity get the better of you.

       Obviously, once in porn’s grip, you need help to escape, so summoning up the courage to talk to someone about the problem is vital. Whether it’s a partner, trusted friend, parent, teacher or professional counsellor, take a deep breath and talk to them, make that appointment and get them on side.

       Another key to overcoming the habit is to identify and avoid any situation which may trigger the desire. If the Internet is a source of pornographic content, avoid using it in private and keep the computer in a room to which all members of the family have access. (Parents take note!) Same with TVs and video games – you need to make sure other people can help you monitor what you view. Set your computer to block pornographic sites and avoid opening links from unsolicited emails and messages from people you’re not sure about on other social media.

       Mood can also play a part with boredom, loneliness or other mental lows contributing to the problem, in which case, extra care is needed to recognise these feelings and bolster yourself up to resist temptation.

       Often, the best way to get rid of unclean thoughts is to replace them with wholesome ones. Imagine a sponge. Drop it into a pail of muddy water and it will come out muddy. But if the sponge is first of all dunked in a pail of clean water, there’s less room for mud to stick. In the same way, all of us can be smeared with unclean images every day of our lives but by filling our minds with wholesome things and keeping occupied with positive, upbuilding activities, we can help keep the mud to a minimum. 

A few porn statistics:  

Almost 30,000 people view pornographic websites every second  

More than 1.7 million pornographic emails are sent every minute 

Nearly two hard-core porn videos are released in the US every hour 

Over 2 million porn videos are rented in the US every day 

Roughly 9 out of 10 young men and 3 out of 10 young women view porn every month – in the United States alone  

2.5 billion porn emails are sent every day - that's 1.7 million per minute

                    

   

      

Stockpiling for Doomsday? Paranoia or what?

       According to a recent article by Tom Rawstorne, highlighting a growing trend for freeze-dried foods, one man's paranoia is another man's marketing opportunity*

       Great idea for arctic expeditions and round the world yachtsmen, I'd have thought, but with sales increasing ten-fold over the last few months, freeze-dried foods are set to go mainstream as natural disasters, depleted resources, the fluctuating world economy and civil unrest create anxiety for many.

       Using an energy-intensive (and therefore highly expensive) process, culinary favourites such as curry and rice, chilli con carne and spaghetti Bolognese are freeze-dried, reducing weight and volume by as much as 90% whilst retaining flavour and up to 97% of nutritional value. And, as meals come in an air-tight tin and with a shelf-life of 25 years, they're ideal for stockpiling, providing, of course, you can afford to shell out over £2,000 for 72 tins - equivalent to a 12-month supply.

       But just who ARE the customers. What sort of people are prepared to pay the price?

       First to spring to mind, perhaps, may be 'end-time' fundamentalists who - convinced by Bible prophecies such as Matthew chap 24, Luke chap 21, 2 Timothy chap 3 and Revelation chap 6 - have long warned of a coming tribulation. It must be stressed, however, that genuine believers put their faith in a higher source than freeze-dried food suppliers. (After all, if God could protect and provide for over 3 million people in the desert for 40 years, one square meal once a day should be a cinch!)

       James Blake of Emergency Food Storage says the company gets "a lot of high-powered business people as customers. Most people buy insurance for their health, their house or their life - this is food insurance. Of course, we hope is never happens, but if there is a major catastrophe, then money is not going to be worth much after a couple of days. It will be food that becomes the most needed thing."

       According to Dave Hannah of B-prep, customers include bankers, spending an average of £3,000 a pop. Perhaps fuelling the current paranoia, Dave opines: "It makes you think, what do they know? When we've talked on the phone they've told me, 'This whole thing is going to go down.'"

       In his article Tom Rawstorne goes on to list events which, over recent years have exposed the fragility of our food supplies. From UK fuel strikes in 2000 and last summer's riots, to natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina, the Haiti earthquake and the horrific Japanese Tsunami - each catastrophe serves to remind us that starvation is just 9 meals away.

       No wonder foods such as the US Mountain  brand are attracting so much interest - in the past year alone, British sales have leapt by 350%! And it doesn't take much imagination to understand why. But for anyone planning to stock up their larder before Armageddon, here's a sobering thought: If people will happily loot for luxury goods such as 3-D TVs and designer clothing, how much more determined will they be for food? Not for the first time in human history, perceived ‘haves’ will be targeted by desperate ‘have-nots’ – a scenario that doesn’t bear contemplating.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075371/Stocking-Doomsday-As-economists-predict-meltdown-meet-families-ready-worst.html

THE MOST BORING SPORTS IN THE WORLD

       Some years ago, no doubt in an act of revenge for the Boston Tea Party, UK’s then prime minister David Cameron threatened to teach Barack Obama to play cricket during a visit to the States. As far as I know, the former POTUS didn’t take up the offer, for which Americans should be eternally grateful!
       Boring enough when you can actually SEE it, this strange public school ritual is regularly brought to an agonisingly mind-numbing low by BBC Radio 4 every summer - for weeks without end. I would describe cricket as being utterly pointless but for the fact that it seems to have more points than any other sport, awarded for no obvious reason and with a total lack of logic.
     Which set me musing on further boring spectator sports:
(1) Top of the list has already been mentioned, i.e. cricket in which the main excitement is two men walking from one set of sticks to another set of sticks, holding a large piece of willow used to bat a ball into oblivion or into the hands of a mid-off or whatever to deafening roars of approval from the crowd. And it doesn't even bounce! Bowl a maiden over? Not this one!
(2) Golf. At least in cricket you get to see somebody running occasionally -and I must admit the players look very fetching in their matching white outfits and shin pads. But tartan trews and little woolly jumpers? Sorry, in the fashion stakes, golfers just don't hack it - unless they end up in the bunker, which is fun!
(3) Hockey. Now I must declare an interest here. At high school, me and my jolly old hockey stick were assigned to one end of a very cold, very muddy field while the rest of the team bashed everyone else's legs to bits at the other end. Being in defence, I can't remember seeing the ball more than a couple of times in all my years at school, and even then I'd have to battle with my own team's goalie for possession - the only exercise we got and probably the only time the opposing team were in with a chance!
(4) Snooker. Not only do the players not run, they hardly move at all unless it's to lean over the table to hit a little white ball. The most exciting it gets is when the players sip their beer or whisky or whatever and one can at least start wondering how long they'll stay upright....which probably explains why they're always leaning over!
(5) Bowling. No, not the kind you do in bowling alleys, but the genteel kind which is normally played on a velvet smooth bowling green. Again, competitors don't seem to move very much (if at all) but then most of them do have the excuse of being well over 80. Teenagers at our local green have tried to sabotage the game by hammering broken bottles into the grass, but nothing stops the intrepid team from pursuing their favourite sport. What that generation lacks in speed is more than compensated by sheer endurance!
(6) Darts. No excuse here, as anyone over 18 (the legal UK limit for drinking) can join in what is perhaps the only sport where spectators actually look healthier than the players! The beauty of this activity is, like bowling and snooker, you can be a champion without ever having to don a tracksuit, go running at dawn or cut out the carbs and the extra pint. A couple of sit-ups once a week and a good pair of spectacles are all it takes to be a world-class darts master. It must surely rank alongside snail racing for its sheer exhilarating thrill factor!
(7) Curling. This was a new one on me until the 2008 Olympics (or was it the one before that?) when the Scottish team actually won a Gold! Very pleased about that, the only downside being that I felt compelled to watch them as they swept their way to victory - reminding me that I hadn't done the vacuuming that day. Definitely toe-curling!

NB. Apologies for anyone not from the UK who may be unacquainted with any of these weird activities. No doubt you have a few national sports of your own you'd like to include, such as paint drying. If so, please tweet them to me and I'll compile an international list! But I still think, in this instance, Britain comes out on top!

Ten steps to living with a step-parent

       One minute you’re the one and only; next thing you know another four kids have moved in!  Worst of it is you had absolutely no say in the matter. No one asked if you minded sharing your home – and your parent’s attention - with a whole bunch of other people.

       Step families can certainly cause problems, yet there’s little if anything children can do to prevent natural parents remarrying - Or, come to that, from their being divorced or widowed in the first place.

       What you CAN do, however, is find a way of coping,  of coming to terms with the situation, making the best of it and even reaping rewards.  It takes time, of course, but by applying the following suggestions, you may find your newly extended family proves less of a curse, more of a blessing.

Consider your parent

       A parent’s remarriage is a seismic event and it’s only human to worry about its effects upon you. But you’re not the only person to be considered.  If your Mum or Dad has met someone who makes them happy, shouldn’t you be happy for them?

Keep the peace

       When a couple marry, they become ‘one flesh’ and no amount of sulking, yelling or threatening is going to break them up. Fifteen-year-old Gemma resented her stepmother so much that it eventually led to a bitter fight. Unable to tolerate Gemma’s behaviour any longer, the stepmother insisted her husband make a choice. Her or Gemma. No contest. Gemma was forced to go back to her natural mother, who had also married again.

  

Count your blessings

       Nobody’s perfect. There again, few people are all bad either. However much you may dislike your stepparent at first, be ready to admit they have their good points. In fact, make a list. Be quick also to recognise the kind things they do and say.

       A new stepparent may also bring advantages to the family, both financially and domestically, which would doubtless improve life for everyone. And, though they may never take the place of your real father or mother, they could become a wonderful friend. Given the chance!

Don’t get jealous

       Love has no limits. Your parent’s love for you is never going to diminish because they’ve developed a relationship with somebody else.  Their love will simply expand – and so can yours – to include the new spouse. Best case scenario, which is not beyond the bounds of possibility, is that you will in time forge a bond of mutual affection and respect with your stepparent.

Don’t feel guilty

       No one can replace a much-loved mother or father, so there’s no need to feel disloyal if and when you grow attached to the newcomer. By the same token, you have a right to go on loving your blood-parent who may have died or been divorced.  In the latter case, even if the absent parent was responsible for the marriage break-up, he or she has not divorced YOU.

Accept discipline

       “You’re not my real mother/father!” This challenge is both immature and pointless. Worse, it can set stepparents and children against one another to everybody’s detriment. Once married, the stepparent is entitled to your respect and co-operation and, by the same token, any discipline is part of their obligation – in fact, discipline should be an expression of their genuine love and concern.

       If, of course, you feel they’re being overly harsh or unjust, then do the grown-up thing. Talk it over, attempt to see their point of view and, if they have misjudged the situation, be forgiving.

      

Learn to share

       From being a rather pampered only child of a single mother, Vanessa found herself with a new stepdad and his four children. She didn’t even have her own room anymore! You too may be asked to make sacrifices, which may be hard to accept and cause resentment. Remember though, these new circumstances will be just as difficult for your step-siblings to take on board. They too will be struggling to adjust and may resent you. In this case, it always pays to be kind, even if they snub you or behave rudely. Take tiffs and squabbles in your stride – they happen with natural siblings too!

       By showing kindness, treating them as real brothers and sisters, your love for them will grow, along with your readiness to share.

Be willing to adapt

       If you’ve been the oldest child, you may have to give up your standing as the ‘man of the house’ or Mum’s ‘best friend’, as these roles are now filled by the new parent.  If so, avoid living in the past but accept the situation and move on.  You may even be glad there’s another person around to share the family responsibilities.

Be reasonable

      When stepparents bring their natural children into the home, there are bound to be times when you feel badly done to. “It’s not fair!” echoes from every family in the world - whether the children are fully related or not. Bear in mind, though, that any parent will obviously have a deeper attachment to their natural child than to a stepchild. Even blood-related mothers can have favourites.

       You also need to take personalities into account and their differing needs. As long as your needs are being met, does it really matter if someone else gets more attention? If, however, you don’t seem to get enough help and support then why not voice your concerns with your stepparent? Calmly.

Beware over-familiarity

       Living with step-siblings of different sexes can create moral pressures, especially in this porn-fuelled age. One youth whose home was invaded by four teenage stepsisters admits “I had to put up a mental block concerning sexual feelings.” In a mixed-gender household, it’s essential to behave modestly, not dressing provocatively or doing anything which might arouse undue desires.     

     

10 WAYS TO WIND UP PARENTS WHEN AWAY FROM HOME

       Free at last! Whether you’re at college, university, working in the city or enjoying a gap year, you’ve finally cut the apron strings. No more curfews, no more lectures, no having to tidy your bedroom or ‘eat sensibly’. Now you’ve left home you can do pretty much what you want, make your own choices and be answerable to no one.

       And, best of all, thanks to modern technology, you can continue to exert your influence over the family, making your ‘presence’ well and truly felt wherever you happen to be.

       By following the instructions of my previous blog, you’ll no doubt have perfected the art of annoying your significant adults while still living at home. But now you’re virtually independent, you really need to raise your game. Here are some excellent suggestions:

1.       Remember when you refused to tell your parents where you’d been the night before? Well, forget that. Now you need to tell them exactly where you’ve been, along with everyone you’ve met and what you did there, safe in the knowledge they can do absolutely nothing about it.  One week after my own offspring had sprung to London, she told me about a friendship she’d struck up with a sweet ‘hippy-type’ person she’d encountered in an otherwise deserted subway. At night. “Ahhh, he even offered to share his sleeping bag with me.” 

 2.      If you get lost in the small hours in a particularly dodgy part of town, ring home and ask Mum or Dad to Google directions for you. (Naturally, you can’t use your Smart phone in case you ‘get mugged’) Then – and this is VERY IMPORTANT – turn off your phone and remain incommunicado for the next two days at least, guaranteeing another sleepless night and huge phone bills for the folks back home as they frantically ring police, hospitals and everyone they know.

 3.      Travelling abroad? Nothing stresses parents more than an overseas adventure, which throws up plenty of wind-up opportunities before you even get there. This starts at the planning stage.

 4.      Whether aiming for the North Face of the Eiger or your local MacDonald’s, don't waste Gigahertz and valuable chilling time with tedious googling when Mum’s sitting at home with nothing to do. (Dad’s are pretty much out of it by this stage, being for the most part mere conduits who pass everything on to the ‘staff’. “I’ll get your mother to do it” is the usual stock reply.) From now on, all the research/planning/pricing/booking is down to Mum. Don’t accept any negligence and, once she’s arranged everything, be quick to point out her mistakes: “No Mum! Not Shanghai – ShangDONG!”

 5.      The night before you set off ask Mum to phone you at 4am so you won’t oversleep and miss your plane/coach/bus/ship. On no account must you answer it, leaving Mum to wonder whether you got up in time. A short text to say you DID oversleep is permissible on route, but hardly necessary as, once at the airport, you can call to tell Mum that the plane’s been delayed - possibly due to a bomb threat. “There’s LOADS of policemen here!”

6.       Make sure you’ve forgotten something very, very important, like your favourite flip-flops, for example – the ONLY ones you can wear without getting foot-rot – which will then have to be located and posted at great trouble and expense.

7.       Having reached your destination, make sure you switch off your phone completely, resisting any urge to text or email. Forget the saying “No news is good news”. Mums’ minds just don’t work that way. In fact the longer she goes without hearing from you, the darker her imaginings become. The son of one couple I know set off on a solitary round-the-world voyage in his tidgy, second-hand yacht and nobody heard from him for TWO YEARS! A truly awesome wind-up!

8.       Naturally, you’ll be taking lots of photographs and it’s permissible to send the odd pic to your folks, preferably in a suitably exotic environment: Teetering on the brink of a live volcano, for instance; bungee-jumping from the Eiffel Tower; shooting rapids down the Amazon; hacking through a jungle; sun-bathing in the middle of a desert (without your hat on), or frolicking on a beach near a nuclear reactor. Make sure wherever possible to feature local colour in the background, such as tigers, crocodiles, and indiginous militia in full battle mode. (In my daughter’s case it was a Komodo dragon, but let’s not go there!)

9.       The return journey will doubtless be another mad panic, as chances are you’ll oversleep again or get your time zones mixed up. Now you can ring home to say you’re travelling in a rusty old taxi at 90mph with a 1000ft drop on one side and a hail of rocks from that rumbling volcano on the other! “But don’t worry Mum, the driver passed his test yesterday!”

10.       When you finally get home, make sure you use the wrong exit at the airport, forcing Dad (who’s had it pretty easy so far) to drive aimlessly for miles in search of a non-existent parking bay wherever it is you happen to be. Of course you’ll need your Smart phone in which to bark increasingly vague directions: “I’m at the EXIT! Next to a bush! I don’t know what kind of bush - a GREEN one!”

A few choice phrases:

       “Guess what? I’ve met a lovely Sheik who’s flying me to Beirut!”

       “I’m walking through a massive field of beautiful pink poppies”

       “How do you say ‘Clinic’ in Thai?’

       “I’m somewhere near the North Korean border. Which way do I go?”

       “Hang on, I’ve forgotten my crampons!”

       “The outboard motor’s packed up and I’ve sprung a leak!”

       “Tell me again – WHICH snakes are poisonous?”

       “Of course it’s safe! There’s razor wire everywhere!”

       “What’s the difference between a shark’s fin and a dolphin’s?”

       “Everyone round here’s carrying an Uzi”

       “I’ve discovered the path to eternal serenity”

       “Must go – we’ve got pirates aboard!”

       “What’s my passport number?”

       “Hey, a cool French guy’s invited me to join the Legion!”

       “Can you contact the Embassy for me?”

       “Sounds like gunfire outside - hang on, Mum, I'll go and take a look”

       "Can't find my inhaler"

       "My tongue's turned blue!"
      
       "Ahhhh.....there's lots of cute lions just 10 yards away!"

        

      

     

Stay Safe! How to deter a predator

         My brother had a bee in his balaclava helmet.

       “It’s a hostile world out there,” he said, “I’d better teach you to protect yourself.”  Having recently joined a martial arts school, he was keen to try out his newly acquired skills.Me, I wasn’t too sure. Going by past experience the only person I ever needed protection from was HIM! But, hey, if he wanted to do the big brother thing then who was I to stop him. Next news, a size 10 trainer came flying in my direction, stopping a mere centimetre from my nose.

        “That was just a warm up,” he explained with a smidgeon of self-congratulation. Oh joy!  “Now, let’s suppose someone were to sneak up on you from behind and grab you by the throat – like this!”

       Too late to object. Before I could say “Stop it!” his forearm was already locked in place, squeezing the air from my trachea. “Gerrout of that!” he cried. For the next two minutes, I struggled to get free, wriggling, scratching, pinching his arm, and gasping for breath as my lungs began to shrivel and my heart was pounding, 19 to the dozen.

       Fortunately, I was wearing my new shoes at the time, my first ever pair with proper, grown-up heels. Not very high, but sharp enough to be banned from our sitting room’s parquet flooring. Sharp enough, indeed, to make my 6’3” brother yelp with anguish as I kicked him firmly in the shin.

       “What’s going on!” cried my harassed mother, rushing in from the kitchen, potato peeler in hand.  

       “She kicked me!” yelled my brother, trying hard not to cry and hopping around like a pink flamingo on speed!  “I think she’s broken my shin bone!”

       “Jacy, you bully!” said Mum. “Leave your brother alone!”

       There is a serious side to this anecdote. Since my adolescence, serious assaults against males and females of all ages have proliferated alarmingly. Some people, women especially, are now afraid to go out alone, even in broad daylight. City centres can be a nightmare, particularly at night. Nowhere is safe. So what do we do? How can we protect ourselves? Is becoming a karate black-belt the only answer? Would that even help?

       Of course, none of us can guarantee our safety no matter where we go, but you’re not entirely helpless. Here are a few weapons which may protect you from attack.

Forward planning

       Whenever you go out for the evening – to a party,  club or even a cinema – make sure you get home safely by planning transport in advance – either by arranging a lift with a trusted friend or family member, or by travelling with a group. Teenagers please note - most parents will gladly pick you up to keep you out of danger!

Attitude

       Predators are rarely looking for a fight. What they search for is a perfect victim, someone who looks vulnerable, uncertain and lacking self-worth. Stride purposefully, with shoulders squared and head held high.  Act as though you know where you’re going (even if you don’t) and adopt a ‘don’t mess with me’ attitude.

Instinct

       If he gives you the creeps, he’s probably a creep! Don’t be persuaded to stick around or be manoeuvred into a solitary place. Just leave. You don’t need excuses. Put plenty of distance between you and make sure other people are around to help.

Vocality

       Should anyone make to assault you, Scream. At the top of your voice! It really is one of your best defences. A piercing, glass shattering scream may alert others and will often deter an attacker.

Aggression

       Being determined to fight back surprises and disturbs the would-be assailant. 

Speed

       If possible, and as soon as you see your chance, Run. Take off your shoes if necessary and run to safety – the nearest house or any place where there are people. 

Dress
       
       Sorry but the way you dress DOES matter. No one has the right to assault you however you dress BUT if you can see up it, down it or through it, you could inadvertently be attracting the wrong sort of attention. Okay, you may want to wear that skimpy outfit for the party/club/restaurant, but please cover up when walking home!

Police

       Whether you fear an attack or have recently suffered one, tell the police.  By reporting an incident and providing as much information as you can, you may help to prevent others being assaulted in the future.

   

   

Dos and don'ts of dating - What turns girls off boys?

       6’ 2”, handsome, athletic and with the biggest, bluest eyes I’d ever seen, Matthew* was by far the handsomest guy in college. And he’d asked ME for a date!

       At first, everything went well. We met at the railway station and travelled to a party where we could sit and talk. Travelling and sitting were no problem. It was also gratifying to note the envious stares of other girls as I entered the room on the arm of this magnificent hunk.

       It was when he started talking the rot set in. The entire evening passed with detailed reminiscences of his every achievement, no matter how small - from his first day at kindergarten to the present. Mistaking my polite head nodding for genuine interest, he recreated every argument he’d ever won, every goal he’d ever scored and every compliment he’d ever received.  

       Did we ever go out together again? Not on your life!

Boys – if you’re looking for a genuine relationship with a girl, there are certain things you really need to know!

TURN ONs

Good communication

       You may be the most wonderful musician/footballer/artist/IT wizard in the world but constantly talking about yourself is NOT the way to a fair maid’s heart, especially when you boast. Okay, five minutes explaining the intricacies of Windows 8 may be illuminating – 2 hours of it tends to drag a little!

       The whole point of communication is that it has to be TWO-way. In other words, no matter how marvellous you are, shut up occasionally and listen to your hoped-to-be-girlfriend. The key to being interesting is being interested. One young lady called Melissa* sums it up beautifully: “Boys may be attracted to what they see, whereas girls are more attracted by what they hear.”

       Jenny* values conversation more than gifts: “If a boy can hold a good conversation and encourage and comfort you with words...Wow! That’s attractive!”

Good manners

       Most of us can appear well-mannered on special occasions, rather like wearing a smart suit. But if courtesy goes back in the ‘wardrobe’ after your cousin’s wedding or that important job interview or whatever, your true nature quickly becomes evident to people around you.  This is why you need to practice. Just like charity, kindness and consideration starts at home, so try being nice to parents and siblings and by the time you meet that special girl, good manners will come naturally.

Taking the initiative

       Don’t play games. If a girl seems to enjoy your company (which, of course, she will if you take note of the first two ‘turn ons’) and you’ve developed feelings towards her, tell her. She’s not a mind-reader. Being genuine and upfront demonstrates maturity so, even if she’s not yet ready for romance, she’ll certainly respect you.

       Rejection may be hard to take, but there’s no reason to get all heavy and emotional. After all, it’s not a marriage proposal, it’s just a date – and an overly serious approach may intimidate the girl. Okay, she may say ‘no’, in which case, just accept it with a shrug, keep it light and stay friends.

TURN OFFS

Poor hygiene

       Keep muddy knees and stained T-shirts for the football field. And remember to brush your teeth after a night on the beer and Vindaloo. Girls like boys to be clean, tidy, fresh-smelling and stylish. Of course, there are girls who enjoy doing ‘make-overs’ on their boyfriends and as time goes by they’ll doubtless impress their fashion tastes on you! But if you want a relationship to get that far, remember: First impressions count.

Personal remarks

       Whether through shyness, not knowing what to say or sheer bad manners, personal remarks are a really big ‘No No’, especially when directed at a girl you hardly know. Telling her she looks like “You know, that woman in that detective series.....the one with the glasses” (especially when the actress is not so glam) will not endear you. Nor will questions such as: “Why do you stand like that?”, “Do you always wear trousers?” or “What are you thinking?” These are intrusive and controlling.

       Even compliments can irritate. Says Andrea:* “I like a boy to be polite and never overly familiar. Rather than telling me I look cute or smell nice, he should be able to hold meaningful conversations and listen to what I say as well as expressing his own views.” Her friend Stella* agrees: “What impresses me is when a boy talks to me naturally, remembering things I’ve said and exchanging opinions.”

Playing games

       Some boys who have no trouble attracting girls may even make light of it, competing with male friends to see who can ‘pull’ the most and playing one girl off against another. Such games are cruel, can earn you a bad reputation and may scupper your chances in the future. 

       Girls are quick to spot a flirt, a young man who may flatter and suggest but has no real intention of forming a relationship. Flirts are untrustworthy, make unreliable friends and are viewed as poor marriage material. Says Amanda:* “It’s unattractive when a boy says something flattering which you know he’s already said to someone else a few weeks earlier.”

       One danger of toying with a girl is making her feel you’re romantically attached to her. Asking for her mobile number creates expectations, which again is cruel when you’re not really interested.

       “Boys don’t always realise how soon a girl can get emotionally involved,” says Alice*. “Most girls want to fall in love and any boy who seems kind and caring is a potential Mr Right.”

Pestering

       Sorry guys, but even if you look like Justin Bieber, have loads of money, or sport an impressive six-pack, there may be just one girl who doesn’t fancy you. In that case, dignify her by accepting her refusal without getting provoked or trying to pressurise her into a date. The more you try, the more she’s likely to resist – and may even come to view you as a stalker!

*Names changed

Of course, it works both ways! Check out “Dos and don’ts of dating – what turns boys off girls” http://jacybrean.blogspot.com/2013/02/dos-and-donts-of-dating-what-turns-boys.html