Stay Safe! How to deter a predator

         My brother had a bee in his balaclava helmet.

       “It’s a hostile world out there,” he said, “I’d better teach you to protect yourself.”  Having recently joined a martial arts school, he was keen to try out his newly acquired skills.Me, I wasn’t too sure. Going by past experience the only person I ever needed protection from was HIM! But, hey, if he wanted to do the big brother thing then who was I to stop him. Next news, a size 10 trainer came flying in my direction, stopping a mere centimetre from my nose.

        “That was just a warm up,” he explained with a smidgeon of self-congratulation. Oh joy!  “Now, let’s suppose someone were to sneak up on you from behind and grab you by the throat – like this!”

       Too late to object. Before I could say “Stop it!” his forearm was already locked in place, squeezing the air from my trachea. “Gerrout of that!” he cried. For the next two minutes, I struggled to get free, wriggling, scratching, pinching his arm, and gasping for breath as my lungs began to shrivel and my heart was pounding, 19 to the dozen.

       Fortunately, I was wearing my new shoes at the time, my first ever pair with proper, grown-up heels. Not very high, but sharp enough to be banned from our sitting room’s parquet flooring. Sharp enough, indeed, to make my 6’3” brother yelp with anguish as I kicked him firmly in the shin.

       “What’s going on!” cried my harassed mother, rushing in from the kitchen, potato peeler in hand.  

       “She kicked me!” yelled my brother, trying hard not to cry and hopping around like a pink flamingo on speed!  “I think she’s broken my shin bone!”

       “Jacy, you bully!” said Mum. “Leave your brother alone!”

       There is a serious side to this anecdote. Since my adolescence, serious assaults against males and females of all ages have proliferated alarmingly. Some people, women especially, are now afraid to go out alone, even in broad daylight. City centres can be a nightmare, particularly at night. Nowhere is safe. So what do we do? How can we protect ourselves? Is becoming a karate black-belt the only answer? Would that even help?

       Of course, none of us can guarantee our safety no matter where we go, but you’re not entirely helpless. Here are a few weapons which may protect you from attack.

Forward planning

       Whenever you go out for the evening – to a party,  club or even a cinema – make sure you get home safely by planning transport in advance – either by arranging a lift with a trusted friend or family member, or by travelling with a group. Teenagers please note - most parents will gladly pick you up to keep you out of danger!

Attitude

       Predators are rarely looking for a fight. What they search for is a perfect victim, someone who looks vulnerable, uncertain and lacking self-worth. Stride purposefully, with shoulders squared and head held high.  Act as though you know where you’re going (even if you don’t) and adopt a ‘don’t mess with me’ attitude.

Instinct

       If he gives you the creeps, he’s probably a creep! Don’t be persuaded to stick around or be manoeuvred into a solitary place. Just leave. You don’t need excuses. Put plenty of distance between you and make sure other people are around to help.

Vocality

       Should anyone make to assault you, Scream. At the top of your voice! It really is one of your best defences. A piercing, glass shattering scream may alert others and will often deter an attacker.

Aggression

       Being determined to fight back surprises and disturbs the would-be assailant. 

Speed

       If possible, and as soon as you see your chance, Run. Take off your shoes if necessary and run to safety – the nearest house or any place where there are people. 

Dress
       
       Sorry but the way you dress DOES matter. No one has the right to assault you however you dress BUT if you can see up it, down it or through it, you could inadvertently be attracting the wrong sort of attention. Okay, you may want to wear that skimpy outfit for the party/club/restaurant, but please cover up when walking home!

Police

       Whether you fear an attack or have recently suffered one, tell the police.  By reporting an incident and providing as much information as you can, you may help to prevent others being assaulted in the future.

   

   

Dos and don'ts of dating - What turns girls off boys?

       6’ 2”, handsome, athletic and with the biggest, bluest eyes I’d ever seen, Matthew* was by far the handsomest guy in college. And he’d asked ME for a date!

       At first, everything went well. We met at the railway station and travelled to a party where we could sit and talk. Travelling and sitting were no problem. It was also gratifying to note the envious stares of other girls as I entered the room on the arm of this magnificent hunk.

       It was when he started talking the rot set in. The entire evening passed with detailed reminiscences of his every achievement, no matter how small - from his first day at kindergarten to the present. Mistaking my polite head nodding for genuine interest, he recreated every argument he’d ever won, every goal he’d ever scored and every compliment he’d ever received.  

       Did we ever go out together again? Not on your life!

Boys – if you’re looking for a genuine relationship with a girl, there are certain things you really need to know!

TURN ONs

Good communication

       You may be the most wonderful musician/footballer/artist/IT wizard in the world but constantly talking about yourself is NOT the way to a fair maid’s heart, especially when you boast. Okay, five minutes explaining the intricacies of Windows 8 may be illuminating – 2 hours of it tends to drag a little!

       The whole point of communication is that it has to be TWO-way. In other words, no matter how marvellous you are, shut up occasionally and listen to your hoped-to-be-girlfriend. The key to being interesting is being interested. One young lady called Melissa* sums it up beautifully: “Boys may be attracted to what they see, whereas girls are more attracted by what they hear.”

       Jenny* values conversation more than gifts: “If a boy can hold a good conversation and encourage and comfort you with words...Wow! That’s attractive!”

Good manners

       Most of us can appear well-mannered on special occasions, rather like wearing a smart suit. But if courtesy goes back in the ‘wardrobe’ after your cousin’s wedding or that important job interview or whatever, your true nature quickly becomes evident to people around you.  This is why you need to practice. Just like charity, kindness and consideration starts at home, so try being nice to parents and siblings and by the time you meet that special girl, good manners will come naturally.

Taking the initiative

       Don’t play games. If a girl seems to enjoy your company (which, of course, she will if you take note of the first two ‘turn ons’) and you’ve developed feelings towards her, tell her. She’s not a mind-reader. Being genuine and upfront demonstrates maturity so, even if she’s not yet ready for romance, she’ll certainly respect you.

       Rejection may be hard to take, but there’s no reason to get all heavy and emotional. After all, it’s not a marriage proposal, it’s just a date – and an overly serious approach may intimidate the girl. Okay, she may say ‘no’, in which case, just accept it with a shrug, keep it light and stay friends.

TURN OFFS

Poor hygiene

       Keep muddy knees and stained T-shirts for the football field. And remember to brush your teeth after a night on the beer and Vindaloo. Girls like boys to be clean, tidy, fresh-smelling and stylish. Of course, there are girls who enjoy doing ‘make-overs’ on their boyfriends and as time goes by they’ll doubtless impress their fashion tastes on you! But if you want a relationship to get that far, remember: First impressions count.

Personal remarks

       Whether through shyness, not knowing what to say or sheer bad manners, personal remarks are a really big ‘No No’, especially when directed at a girl you hardly know. Telling her she looks like “You know, that woman in that detective series.....the one with the glasses” (especially when the actress is not so glam) will not endear you. Nor will questions such as: “Why do you stand like that?”, “Do you always wear trousers?” or “What are you thinking?” These are intrusive and controlling.

       Even compliments can irritate. Says Andrea:* “I like a boy to be polite and never overly familiar. Rather than telling me I look cute or smell nice, he should be able to hold meaningful conversations and listen to what I say as well as expressing his own views.” Her friend Stella* agrees: “What impresses me is when a boy talks to me naturally, remembering things I’ve said and exchanging opinions.”

Playing games

       Some boys who have no trouble attracting girls may even make light of it, competing with male friends to see who can ‘pull’ the most and playing one girl off against another. Such games are cruel, can earn you a bad reputation and may scupper your chances in the future. 

       Girls are quick to spot a flirt, a young man who may flatter and suggest but has no real intention of forming a relationship. Flirts are untrustworthy, make unreliable friends and are viewed as poor marriage material. Says Amanda:* “It’s unattractive when a boy says something flattering which you know he’s already said to someone else a few weeks earlier.”

       One danger of toying with a girl is making her feel you’re romantically attached to her. Asking for her mobile number creates expectations, which again is cruel when you’re not really interested.

       “Boys don’t always realise how soon a girl can get emotionally involved,” says Alice*. “Most girls want to fall in love and any boy who seems kind and caring is a potential Mr Right.”

Pestering

       Sorry guys, but even if you look like Justin Bieber, have loads of money, or sport an impressive six-pack, there may be just one girl who doesn’t fancy you. In that case, dignify her by accepting her refusal without getting provoked or trying to pressurise her into a date. The more you try, the more she’s likely to resist – and may even come to view you as a stalker!

*Names changed

Of course, it works both ways! Check out “Dos and don’ts of dating – what turns boys off girls” http://jacybrean.blogspot.com/2013/02/dos-and-donts-of-dating-what-turns-boys.html

 

Dos and don’ts of dating - What turns boys off girls?

        I once knew somebody beautiful. Blonde, model-girl slim and with a face any film star would envy. Oh, yes, Mary* attracted the boys all right! Like moths to a candle, flies to a jam jar.  The problem was, despite her many besotted admirers, few stuck around beyond the first couple of dates.

       Was she the proverbial dumb blonde? Hardly. Not only was Mary an absolute stunner but she was intelligent, well educated and articulate. So what went wrong? What was lacking?

       Sadly, being in a beautiful package can be a curse for some. If you’re pretty, unlike many of your peers, you may actually get asked out by that amazing first Crush. (You know the one – the Justin Bieber lookalike, the Bandbox Beau who never scuffs his shoes.) Nothing wrong with that, of course, providing you’ve had time to develop a Personality.  To have formed your own ideas, have a few goals to aim for. Because even though some boys go purely for looks, their interest may be purely physical and rarely for the long term.

       A well-balanced young man, on the other hand, wants a girl to contribute something to the relationship, someone with convictions and a healthy view of her strengths and weaknesses.  Adam* remarks: “I like a girl with her own opinions, who’s confident enough to express herself and...well...just be herself.”

       James* admits to being drawn to pretty girls but quickly cools off if a girl has no worthwhile goals. “If she knows where she’s going in life, what she wants to do, that makes her very attractive – especially if she’s achieved some goals already.”

       And, when searching for a solid relationship, mature young men aren’t swayed by simpering, giggly girls, however beautiful, who hang on his every word. “I appreciate girls who are honest, respectful and don’t always agree with me,” says Kieron*. “Girls who just say what they think I want to hear are a real turn-off.”

TURN-ONS

Showing respect

       In a survey involving hundreds of young men, 60 percent said they valued respect more than love, while 70 percent of older men were of the same mind.

       Respecting your boyfriend doesn’t mean giving in all the time, agreeing with everything he says. After all, you have a right to your own views. But even when you don’t see eye to eye, it’s the WAY you express yourself that counts. Some girls can be so opinionated they’ll constantly contradict, correct or belittle their dates, putting the relationship on a fast-track to nowhere.

       If – sorry WHEN – you disagree, acknowledge your friend’s viewpoint, commend him on his insight, then forward your own view in a calm, reasoned manner. Instead of saying, “That’s rubbish!” for example, try this approach: “I understand where you’re coming from and can see you’ve considered the matter, but have you thought of this angle....?” Give the lad his dignity.

Dressing modestly

       Trust me girls – if you can see up it, down it, or through it, leave it on the hanger (or handkerchief drawer!) ready for your next beach holiday.  Boys may ogle Page 3 pin-ups but rarely want their own pretty woman to dress like a streetwalker! And, unless you’re off to muck out stables or decorate a house together, forego those comfy frayed jeans and holey jumpers.

       Well-arranged, modest and stylish is the key. Make sure your clothes are neat and clean, your hair’s shiny, you’re nicely made-up and you look as though you’ve made an effort.

‘TURN OFFS’

Being clingy

       When two people marry they become ‘one flesh’ and each may need to give up some of the freedom they had as singletons. But by the time to they sign the register, they’re already deeply, deeply committed to each other.

       But after a couple of dates? When you’ve only been out together for a few weeks or months, being clingy and possessive will only repel the object of your affections. Early in the relationship you simply don’t have the RIGHT to demand his attention 24/7 or to know how he spends every moment away from you. In contrast, your recognising his right to have other friends and to pursue his favourite sports and hobbies will intrigue him.

       According to Tim*, being constantly texted is a big turn-off. “If a girl I’ve only just met keeps texting, wanting to know who I’m with all the time, especially any girls, then I see that as a serious warning.”

       And remember, if he can’t be trusted, then why would you want him anyway?

Flirting

       A pretty girl exerts a lot of power over the opposite sex, which can be used positively or negatively. Let’s face it, it’s flattering when men pay you attention but, if you test your attractiveness on every male you meet, you’ll soon be known as a flirt.

       Many boys agree that a girl who frequently touches them when talking or is always glancing at other passing males is hardly girlfriend material.

Having no values

       We live in a world where sex is on tap and values such as loyalty, endurance,  duty, respect, self-sacrifice and modesty – all the qualities needed for a successful marriage – are often discounted.

       But with everything in life there’s a code of behaviour, a standard below which we should never allow ourselves to sink. Girls who are prepared to ignore this truth in pursuit of a boy, do so at their peril. Because not matter what you do, or how beautiful you are, there will always be boys who just don’t like you, which can be just as well.

       Being liked and fancied are two very different things and it’s important to decide just which category you want to be in. A passing fancy? A one-night stand? Or a young woman of integrity who really values herself.

       If you want to be liked - genuinely liked and respected - then you're sure to attract the right kind of boy.

*Names changed

Of course, it works both ways!  Check out: “Dos and don’ts of dating – what turns girls off boys”  
http://jacybrean.blogspot.com/2013/02/dos-and-donts-of-dating-what-turns.html

 

ADVENTURES OF A DOG WARDEN 2

Chapter 2

       “PEST CONTROL TO PANTHER Z! COME IN PANTHER Z!” Unnerved by Albert’s less than dulcet tones, I almost hit the kerb!

       “Panther Z! Are you receiving me! This is Pest Control! Repeat, this is Pest Control! Come in Panther Z!”

       Now, Albert Scrum is not a man to be ignored. Realising he’d just keep upping the decibels until I replied, I decided the safest thing to do was stop as soon as I could.  “This had better not be another errand to the sandwich shop!” I muttered under my breath. Albert had a nasty habit of getting his crew to fetch his dinner for him.

       At last, after several minutes of non-stop earache from my radio, I saw a convenient parking space along Strewsbury Mold’s main highway and sighed gratefully as I drew to a halt. Relief however was short-lived. I couldn’t find the blasted receiver and, even when I eventually did, couldn’t decide which button to press. “Aww, why can’t we have Bluetooth like everybody else!?” I sighed. And all the time, Albert carried on. And on. And on. And on....

       “PEST CONTROL TO PANTHER Z, come in, this is an emergency.....! Panther Z are you receiving me....PANTHER Z come in PLEASE! Panther Z.....”

       “Oh shut UP Albert!” I yelled, not realising, of course, that I’d finally hit the right button, so my despairing cry could now be heard by everyone at Pest Control HQ.

       Albert sounded quite offended. “No need to shout,” he said. “There’s never any need to shout.”

       “So what’s the emergency, then,” I asked.  “Have you run out of milk?”

       “Ha Ha, very funny, I don’t think!” Albert replied. “As a matter of fact, it’s a matter of life and death. There’s a vicious dog marauding round St Mary’s Infant’s School. Better hurry before one of the kids gets savaged.”

       “Say no more!”  I said, revving the engine, “I’m on my way!”

       Moments later, I turned into the Infant School’s main gates to witness an extraordinary sight. A somewhat portly lady was standing on a wheelie bin in one corner of the playground blowing her whistle with all her might. In the opposite corner, a group of 3 to 4-year-olds were huddled together, some screaming, others shrieking with delight, as a young and over-enthusiastic Border Collie surrounded them, slinking from one tot to another to make sure none would escape the ‘fold’.

       The dinner lady blew her whistle again, unwittingly sending a new signal to the collie. Leaving his charges, he darted suddenly towards another group of children and, after singling out a particularly defiant toddler, began weaving and circling and yapping, encouraging the boy to join his playmates in the corner, just as he would a particularly obstinate sheep. 

       On catching sight of me, the dinner lady stopped whistling long enough to exclaim, “Thank goodness you’re here! That dog’s been rounding up children for the last half hour! Goodness knows what their parents will say!”

       “Has he bitten anyone?” I asked.

       The dinner lady looked blank. “No...at least I don’t think so. But he’s obviously a danger....I mean LOOK at him!”

       By now, the dog had gathered his latest acquisition to the fold and flopped down onto his belly, ears pricked up, alert to any potential escapees.

       “He’s just following his instincts,” I said. “After all, herding’s what collies do.”

       “Excuse my ignorance,” came the sarcastic reply, “But last I heard, collies were meant to herd SHEEP. Not infants!” She was so angry, she nearly fell off the wheelie bin.

       “Ah well, that’s the problem. Border collies need work to do and if there’s no sheep around, well.... They’re not really town dogs, you know.”

       “So now he’s David Attenborough!” The dinner lady sniffed contemptuously. “You’re supposed to be a dog catcher, so do your job and catch the ruddy thing!”

       Now this is a gross misconception. Most dog wardens are, like yours truly, genuine dog lovers, not sidekicks to Cruella De Ville! I was just about to tell the lady that when Albert’s voice boomed out from the radio again.

       “PEST CONTROL TO PANTHER Z! Come in Panther Z! This is an emergency!”

       “Oh no, you don’t!” said the dinner lady as I made for the van. “You’re not going anywhere until you’ve rescued those poor children from that nasty, evil animal!”

       Torn between the insistent Albert Scrum and the angry dinner lady, I decided to deal with the latter – even though the dog was quite happily wagging his tail and tenderly caring for his ‘flock’. Besides, she was the one within striking distance and, I fancied, had a formidable right hook.

       I whistled and, immediately, the collie leapt up and trotted towards me, earning himself a pat on the head for his obedience.

       “Good boy!” I said. “You see?” I said to the dinner lady, “He’s quite gentle really. In fact, there’s many teachers I know who’d pay to have a helper like him.” The woman merely sniffed again, disdainfully.

              Ignoring her, I turned to the dog. “Okay mate! Into the van with you. It’s time to get you home to your owners.”

       Now there was only Albert to deal with. He was still shouting as I started the engine and drove away from the school.

       “Pest Control to Panther Z......!”

       “Yes! What IS it Albert?”

       This question was met by an aggrieved silence.

       “That is the wrong procedure,” said Albert.

       “Okay, okay, now just give me the message.”

       But there was no such thing as ‘just’ where Albert was concerned. “Unless you follow the correct procedure, I’m unable to convey instructions.....”

        “You must be joking.....!”

       Albert was insistent. “Unless you follow the correct procedure.....!”

       “All right!” I yelled. “Panther Z to Pest Control. Receiving you! Loud and Clear! NOW can I have the message?”

       “Okay Panther Z, this is your next assignment. Proceed to Strewsbury Mold shopping centre and purchase 1 steak & kidney pie, 1 bag of chips and 1 large custard!”

Read the first chapter here:
http://jacybrean.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/adventures-of-dog-warden.html

   

      

      

      

Are we too indulgent with our children today?

       “You can do exactly as you want, as long as you do it with a smile.” So says Mr Smyle, the billionaire philanthropist who,  in 'Flight from Fernilee', takes 4 youngsters under his wing. But will having it all bring happiness? Will material riches make Miles, Alice, Joe and Odi forget what really matters? Can they morph into A-list celebs and still be nice people? 'Flight from Fernilee'  is purely fictitious, of course, as is the over-indulgent Mr Smyle. But such questions are well worth considering for real life families too... 

       When, during a recent survey, a group of young adults were asked their foremost goals in life, 81 percent put ‘getting rich’ top of the list, rating this more highly than helping others. This view seems to be reflected throughout the younger generation, especially in the developed world where materialism continues to increase despite economic pressures.

       At the same time, fewer school leavers seem content to find regular 9-5 jobs, preferring to set off on a glamorous career path in the belief that they deserve to ‘live the dream’ as portrayed so enviably by film stars, pop idols and assorted celebrities. You only have to watch the thousands of ambitious youngsters queuing to audition for talent shows such as X Factor. Even people with little or no talent are utterly convinced they have a right to be icons. 

       How did this attitude come about? Are children born this way? Well, most babies do enjoy the centre of attention, as is only natural and completely necessary; but there comes a point for every child when he or she needs to realise they’re not the Managing Director of the universe. It’s at this critical phase when parents need to appreciate that too!

       And this is the problem. Starting with the post-war Baby Boomers of the 1950s, followed by the self-regarding ‘free love, anything goes’ permissiveness of the 60s and 70s, and the ‘Must Have, Me Generation of the 90s’, then  capped by the current ‘you’re so worth it’ zeitgeist of the western world, children have been ever more indulged - prima donnas before they even hit Kindergarten. And from then on, it’s all downhill.

       They did not roll down it on their own. A toddler who gets that toy or sweet whenever they scream for it will continue to get that new iPhone, designer label, spray tan, car when they reach their teens. No, it is the parent who scurries off at a second’s notice to procure these treats for their difficult-to-please precious ones who are sowing the seeds of discontent along with a ruinous sense of entitlement.

       The fact is, according to the The Narcissism Epidemic, “Parents want to make their children happy, and children want stuff. Thus parents buy them stuff. And children are happy but only for a short period of time. Then they want even more stuff.” When ‘stuff’ can be acquired so easily, children fail to learn one of life’s most sobering lessons: Things cost. Teaching them the value of money, how to save for the things they want and how to budget for necessities is the kindest way to raise a child, equipping them for a debt-free future.

        Another problem identified by the book Generation Me is giving a child too much praise. Of course, self-esteem is important, but to laud a child’s every modest achievement as a work of genius and giving them the impression they’re better than anyone else is cruel, unnecessary and unlikely to win them friends at school or college. Just coming back to the X-Factor/Pop Idol shows again – how many talentless youngsters audition, convinced they deserve to become superstars? Tell someone they’re brilliant and they’ll believe it, leaving them wide open to ridicule later in life. The kinder, more balanced course is to commend children for genuine accomplishments, and, instead of overlooking poor behaviour or performance, help them see where they can improve. Says Generation Me, “True self-confidence comes from honing your talents and learning things, not from being told you’re great just because you exist.”

       In his book Escaping the Endless Adolescence, Dr Joseph Allen recalls holding a job interview with a young candidate who said: “I get the sense that sometimes parts of the work can be a little boring and I don’t want to be bored.” Says Dr Allen, “He didn’t seem to understand that all jobs have some boring elements. How did one make it to age twenty-three without knowing that?”

       Sadly, many youngsters leave school unprepared for any work that falls short of their overinflated view of themselves, no doubt feeling that menial tasks such as brewing beverages and running errands are beneath them.

       The problem is often the parents’ over-protectiveness, coupled with an unwillingness to blame the child for any misdemeanour or neglect. On no account is their precious darling ever to be upset, either by getting poor grades, or a speeding fine. The answer is to tackle the teacher and insist they up the marks, or pay the fine the budding Jeremy Clarkson has incurred. It’s always someone else’s fault and the youngster feels he or she can do exactly as they please without facing the consequences.

       This is something I feel particularly strongly about, having witnessed the decline into fecklessness, alcoholism and eventual death of someone dear to me.  As the youngest son of an older couple, he was over-indulged, over-protected and consistently excused from any blame for anything whatsoever. It was always someone else’s fault.

       If only his parents had heeded the advice in Positive Discipline for Teenagers: “Instead of learning that they can survive pain and disappointment, and even learn from it, such children grow up extremely self-centred, convinced that the world and their parents owe them something.”

       Had they allowed him to take responsibility for his actions, he might still be alive today. One thing’s for sure; children who work through their problems become more resistant to adversity and more confident in dealing with life in general – assets which will set them up for life.

The scariest programme for kids

       As responsible parents, we’re alert to the dangers of TV and the internet, while most of us do our utmost to shield children from violent and sexually explicit material.

       But what about the news? Night after night, horrific scenes are channelled into our homes, usually around tea-time when the whole family is likely to be around. Some may feel it’s pointless to protect youngsters from such scenes – and may even believe it’s good for them to see life as it actually is.

       On the other hand, a recent survey showed 40% of parents interviewed admitted their children had been disturbed by fearful images, such as wars, natural disasters and acts of terrorism. The shocking events of 9/11, for example, the dreadful massacres in Syria and other trouble spots or the mass  shootings at Sandy Hook School are reported over and over again, often accompanied by graphic images of injured people and shocking, heartrending witness accounts.

       Adults understand that what we see played out on our screens has already happened and is a one-off event. Small children, however, have no concept of the 'action replay'. They think every time a scary scene appears on a TV or computer it’s actually happening – again and again and again! Such repeated exposure causes children to develop paralysing fears.

       According to the Kaiser Family Foundation: “Children who watch a lot of TV news tend to overestimate the prevalence of crime and may perceive the world to be a more dangerous place than it actually is.” The Foundation also observe that children aged 3-7 are more afraid of news relating to natural disasters and accidents, while children between 8-12 years are more worried by crime and violence.

       One 11-year old was so disturbed by hearing after hearing of someone who decapitated a relative, she often has nightmares about the same thing happening to her.  A 6-year old was terrified by reports of tornadoes, constantly imagining a tornado was on its way and that she would die. And, afraid of being kidnapped, a boy who’d lost his way in Utah hid from rescue parties for four days, almost starving to death in the mountains as a result!

      If your child is affected by the news, here are a few ways you can help:

       Limit the amount of news they watch, taking their age, emotions and sensitivity into account.

       Watch the news with them so you can discuss any problems, highlighting positive aspects such as heroic rescue attempts and voluntary aid for victims.

       Reassure them that tragedies are unlikely to happen; pointing out all the precautions you’ve taken, such as installing smoke alarms or security systems.

       Discuss the likelihood of such events occurring and aim to help your child to get things in perspective.

Picking up the pieces of a broken heart

       Can there be anyone over 16 who hasn’t suffered heartbreak at least once in their life? Facts speak for themselves. The vast majority of teenage relationships fail to result in marriage, while those that do have a high divorce rate. That adds up to an awful lot of break ups and the inevitable heartache that follows. Love doesn’t always play fair.

       Matt*, the son of a friend of mine recently split up from a girl he was nuts about. No one really knows why. He was kind, courteous, considerate and respectful of his girlfriend’s deeply held religious beliefs. Sex before marriage was not on the table and he happily abided by strict rules of conduct - agreeing to chaperones, early nights and strict codes of behaviour with no illicit fumbling! Because he loved her. Wanted to marry her. Things progressed, their respective parents met and all seemed set for a winter wedding. Sadly, out of the blue, the young lady ended their courtship.      Nicely, of course, yet with very little explanation. Matt was devastated.

       We’ve all been there. A break up is possibly the most traumatic blow we could ever endure, crushing self-esteem along with any thoughts of happiness and leaving the victim in a hollow of despair. And no wonder. Romantic love is THE most powerful emotion we could ever experience. Shakespeare penned sonnets about it, singers have crooned about it, novelists have immortalised it and even Solomon, the second wisest man who ever lived, was completely bowled over by it. He too experienced unrequited love when a beautiful Shulammite on whom he’d set his heart rejected him for her one true love. But then, he did have 1000 wives & concubines to soothe his fractured ego!

       After a break up, you may feel as though you’ve been thrown into a dark, dank pit. But there IS a way out. Just start climbing – one step at a time:

Stage 1 – Denial, when you can’t believe our loved one doesn’t want you any more. For days, you’ll wait for the phone to ring, convinced he/she will change their mind and realise they just can’t live without you.

Stage 2 – Rage, which can turn love to hate. “The cheek of the guy/girl! How dare they reject ME!”

Stage 2 – Depression, in which despair takes over and self-esteem hits the floor, as you wonder if you’re worthless and unlovable.

Stage 4 – Resignation,giving you a realistic view of your circumstances. It may still hurt, yet you’re beginning to glimpse a time when things will be better.

Looking ahead

       As family and friends will tell you, wounds heal in time. Problem is, they hurt now. Healing a broken heart is like setting a broken leg – you know it’ll get better eventually but in the meantime, it’s simply agonising. How can you lessen the pain? Well, crying will certainly help, so don’t hold back. Tears don’t make you weak – even the strongest people shed them at times, so feel free to have a good, old blub to get some of that pain out of your system.

       You need to look after yourself too. Eat well and take exercise to recover all that emotional energy. Then channel it into interesting and enjoyable activities. Above all, don’t spend too much time alone. Seek the company of genuine people, family and friends, who really care about you. And if you have a faith, then pray, pour your heart out.

       Learn from the experience. Be analytical. Examining what went wrong will help you to avoid the same mistakes again. For instance, what reason did the other party give for breaking up with you? Make a note of it, even if you feel it was a unfair. Why do YOU think they rejected you? Is there anything you could have done to prevent the breakup? Has the relationship thrown up any flaws in yourself, or ways in which you could improve emotionally? How can you apply the experience to future relationships, and how would you conduct yourself differently next time?

       Make a list of comforting sayings to which you can keep referring. These could be from novels, films, plays, scriptures, poems - anything that hits a chord and helps to lift your spirits. Music can help too – but avoid moody, romantic music which could drag you down.

Remember too, in the middle of distress, it's hard to see an end to the misery. But it IS there. Time, patience and hope, along with these practical steps, will help you to reach it.

 

“Questions Young People Ask Answers that Work Volume 1” http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/