A Beginner’s Guide to Traditional Pantomime

Picture courtesy of Act One Productions

        Strange.  I’ve always thought of pantomime as a peculiarly British tradition - as unique to our ‘green and pleasant land’ as the Union Jack, jellied eels, bacon and egg, strongly brewed tea and Marmite.

       Yet every blog I write about panto gets more views from the States than from dear old Blighty. Maybe the Brits take this ancient mummery for granted. After all, it’s been going strong since Roman times when, along with bread and circuses, it kept the populace pliant and less likely to revolt over the dire state of the nation.

       Similarly, in our day a good pantomime provides a welcome distraction from the miserable winter weather, the endless recession and the absolute fortunes spent on Christmas presents which nobody wants. But whatever is happening in the world, there’s one thing we can count on; from November to February pantomimes will be playing at almost every UK theatre. 

       What is it that makes pantomime so special, so beloved of children of all ages? Distinguished Shakespearean actor, Sir Ian MacKellen (Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings) explains: “Pantomime has everything theatrical: song, dance, verse, slapstick, soliloquy, audience participation, spectacle, cross-dressing and a good plot, strong on morality and romance. What more could you want for a family outing? I believe there’s more pure theatre in a pantomime than you get in Shakespeare, and if it works, it’s unforgettable.”

       Audience participation is one of panto’s most endearing aspects, with the cast positively encouraging audiences to shout, cheer, sing, heckle, hiss and boo! The result may seem anarchic, yet there’s a strong discipline involved – certain rules which unite both cast and audience, creating unity from mayhem!      

What IS pantomime?

       Literally, the word means All-Mimicking - ‘Pan’ [Greek word for‘All’] and ‘Mimos’ [Greek for ‘Imitate’). Think vaudeville with a plot and you may get an inkling what it involves. The story is usually taken from a popular fairy tale, interwoven with topical themes to which the audience can relate, i.e. the price of food, political manoeuvring, the comings & goings of high profile figures – the sort of material comedians use but – and this is vital – without the smut!

       Although traditionally performed over the festive season (Nov-Feb) panto attracts audiences throughout the year. Some theatre groups put on shows during the summer at theatres, schools, residential homes, private parties and community centres.

       One thing you should be warned about – pantomime can be very, very loud, especially when the audience is encouraged to join in. A classic bit of business is the “Behind you!” scenario, when a monster/ghost/animal keeps appearing behind one of the characters and the children are asked to yell when they see it. The character (usually the Dame) will turn around, only for the monster/ghost/animal to dodge out of sight. “Where is it?” asks the Dame. “Behind you!” cry the kids who get beside themselves with frustration!

       Another well-used gag is the ‘argument’ between two characters when one will say “Oh no it isn’t!” while the other, again urging the audience to join in, says “Oh YES it is!” and so forth. Make sure you and your family have a good gargle before curtain up! You’ll also be expected to join in the singalong at the end!  

Pantomime Characters

       Regardless of the theme of a pantomime, certain stock characters are common to all:

       The first person we meet is the Dame, normally an impoverished widow who, after introducing herself, gives the audience an overview of her circumstances, accompanied by jokes, cheeky asides and bucket-loads of tears. She bewails the loss of her husband, moans about her feckless son/nephew or frets about her vulnerable daughter or niece. Often, there’s a wicked baron/witch/landlord lurking in the wings, threatening her with eviction. But, whatever the circumstances, they’re inevitably dire and highly melodramatic.

       From the moment the Dame appears, you can’t help noticing her appalling taste in clothes – Anna Wintour she is not! Frumpy, old-fashioned frocks in hideous, garish colours are the norm, while her hair is – for want of a better description – a wig in not-so-glorious-technicolour! As is her face with its grotesque rouge and over-applied lipstick. Another give-away is her voice; no simpering soprano this, but a deep resounding medicine ball of a voice which reaches a crescendo when its owner is roused! You’ve guessed it. The Dame is played by a man! This custom dates back to Elizabethan times when acting was despised and women were not permitted to take part. Whoever plays the Dame not only needs incredible skills, but also a commanding personality so as to whip up an audience yet prevent things sliding into anarchy.

       Just to confuse you even further, since Queen Victoria’s reign, the Principal Boy, (eg. Prince Charming) has usually been played by a woman whose fetching tight-wearing thighs are regularly slapped, macho fashion, by her own fair hand.

       Then we meet the Baddie. This may be the Baron already mentioned, a Wicked Witch, Cruel Queen, Evil Wizard, Captain Hook or Bullying Ogre. Like the Dame, this role calls for a big personality; a Boo-worthy bogeyman who knows how to goad an audience yet can also make us laugh.

       As a counterbalance to the Baddie, a Good Fairy or Fairy Godmother can be featured, using her magic when all other solutions fail.

       Other characters include the Juvenile Leads – Jack and Jill, Aladdin and Jasmine, Beauty and the Beast, for example. The typical male lead tends to be rather feckless, a bit of a dreamer, yet is always likeable and basically kind-hearted. His female counterpart, the Principal Girl is feisty and practical, and both characters must be excellent singers.

       Some productions feature a Funny Animal, such as the Goose (Mother Goose), cats (Dick Whittington), horses, chickens, donkeys, cows, and dogs, all good dancers and always more intelligent than their human owners!

       And, of course, no pantomime would be complete without the ultimate Comedy Duo. Tweedledum & Tweedledee, Biff & Boff, Bill & Ben. Neither are particularly intelligent, but the daftest of the duo is the butt for his partner’s practical jokes. Having this couple in the show provides many opportunities for the sort of slapstick, knockabout humour children love.  

[Photo: Ryan Angelo Deponio & Vicki Glover in Aladdin, produced by Act One Productions] 

http://jacybrean.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-brief-history-in-pantomime.html

http://jacybrean.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/is-panto-for-children-anymore.html

                     

Are you a gossip - or is that just a malicious rumour?

       Accused of misappropriating church funds, a previously popular and effective minister was hounded from his parish. Some time later, the perpetrator of this rumour, by now burdened by guilt for his unwarranted remarks, called on the victim to beg for his forgiveness.

       The minister said nothing at first, just closed his eyes for a moment in thought. Eventually he beckoned to his visitor. “Come with me”, he said and led the way to a top-storey window at his home, pausing only to pick up a pillow on the way. Once there, he ripped the pillow open and shook out the contents. Within seconds, hundreds of feathers were dancing on the breeze before floating into the distance.

       “There!” said the minister. “Go and pick up every one of those feathers – if you can. Then you’ll know how hard it is for me to forgive you.”

       According to the Bible writer, James, “the tongue is a little member,” yet it’s harder to control than any other part of the human body. In fact, if we could control it, we’d be perfect people; but as none of us can honestly claim never to say the wrong thing at some point in our lives, we need to make allowances for others, even when unkind things are said about us!

       Celebrities, of course, are prime targets. Bust-ups between stars are the source of endless speculation. Married couples in the public eye often have to endure gossip spread by total strangers, while social media is an endless (and often unconrolled) source of mis-information and rumour. 'Post-truth' they call it, as if any kind of lie is now acceptable. 

       But you don’t have to be famous to play a star role in someone else’s fevered imagination. Living as I do in a small farming village, I’ve been the subject of rumours myself. One such involved a supposed affair with my (then) next-door neighbour – who (I suspect) encouraged the belief to make his (ex) girlfriend jealous and bring her begging again to lie obligingly under his feet! Managing to stoke the flames even higher, the young man started parking his pushbike on my drive, much to my annoyance. (Had it been a Ferrari, perhaps I wouldn’t have minded so much!)

       Years later, my daughter’s reputation came under fire after she left to go to London. Apparently, a malicious rumour started going the rounds that I’d packed her off somewhere to disguise her non-existent pregnancy! Meanwhile, as well as all the ‘affairs’ I’m meant to have had, I’ve also been dubbed an alcoholic, drug addict and anorexic – all at the same time! But then, that’s nothing to some of the weird and lurid tales I’ve heard about other people in the community.

       Not all gossip is bad, though. It often provides useful information such as marriages, births, illnesses, deaths and other matters relating to friends and neighbours. Such conversations prove we’re interested in and care about the people we know.

       Even so, we all need to watch that a seemingly innocence, off-the-cuff remark doesn’t cause problems. For example, “I think Jennifer has a crush on Peter,” could create misunderstandings – especially if Jennifer has someone totally different in mind. Or it could result in Jennifer avoiding Peter out of embarrassment, effectively putting the mockers on a pleasant friendship.

       Another embarrassing situation; you may have said something about another person, only for them to find out where it came from and confront you with it! Surely, it’s always better to be open and frank, to raise any issues you may have directly to their face! You may even find your beef with that person is utterly groundless.

       Twitter, Facebook and other social network site have made rumours run faster and wider than at any time in history, which is why caution should be applied before we send that message. These questions may help you decide whether what you have to say, either verbally or electronically, is really worth repeating:

Is it true? That gossip you’ve heard may be really juicy, but have you checked the facts? If there’s no truth in it, you could, at best, end up with egg on your face or, at worst, be guilty of slander.

Is it fair? Okay, someone you dislike has done something stupid. It’s so tempting to tell everybody you know, so they can share your contempt for that person. But will they? Or will they have contempt for you. Let’s face it, who wants to be friends with a malicious gossip? And talking about someone when they’re not there to defend themselves just isn’t on either.

Is it kind? Perhaps one of the most powerful ways to resist harmful gossip is to imagine it being said about you. How would you feel in that position? Could you really hurt another person’s feelings or harm their reputation? And how would a loose tongue affect your own reputation? Do as you would be done by, is the key.

      Suppose, though, that you’re the recipient of malicious gossip. Remember that, by consenting to listen, you’re colluding with the gossiper - which makes you an accessory to their spite. Usually, we can discern when a conversation is turning towards hurtful remarks and it can take tremendous willpower to stop nasty gossip in its tracks – but it’s easy enough to do. A simple “Let’s change the subject, I’m not comfortable with this,” will usually do the trick.

      It will also mark you out as a kind, fair-minded individual who can be trusted by your peers.

  

      

A Brief History of Pantomime

Picture courtesy of Act One Productions

       The theatre is now full. The audience, made up of children, parents, grandparents, friends and schoolmates, are full of anticipation, chattering excitedly amid rustling sweetie papers and the restless shuffling of feet. Suddenly, the music begins; everyone focuses on the stage as the lights in the auditorium grow dim. A strange woman appears wearing bizarre clothes in garish colours, her face heavily painted with slashes of crimson lipstick, circles of rouge and thick giraffe-length eyelashes. This grotesque vision is topped by a gravity-defying wig in colours you’d never find at your average hairdressers. Then, as if her presence hasn’t already been noticed, she calls to the audience in a very loud, very raucous and suspiciously deep voice!
       Welcome to Pantomime – one of the world’s oldest, most enduring theatrical experiences. Like any dramatic performance, pantomime has its roots in ancient Greek amphitheatre where tragedy, satire and even knockabout farces were based on strong moral themes by Aesop, Virgil and other poets and writers.
       Pantomime - ‘Pan’ [Greek word for ‘All’] and ‘Mimos’ [Greek for  ‘Imitate’) -does exactly what the word means. Whether mimed silently or outrageously noisy and over-the-top, it mimics people we’ve all encountered in real-life. Think of Norris from Coronation Street, or Eastender’s Peggy Mitchell and Dirty Den – like pantomime, no matter how exaggerated soap opera characters may be, they all have traits from people we recognise. 
       The Romans were the first to see the enormous potential of comedy which, along with “bread and circuses”, could be used to appease the masses. Larger-than-life roles included thinly disguised caricatures of oppressive Emperors, impudent servants and valiant heroes. And let’s not forget the love interest - beautiful princesses who were always played by men, as women were forbidden to perform, a tradition maintained to this day (most notably by the Pantomime Dame). Unfortunately, Roman pantomimes were not suitable for children, due to their sexual innuendo and gory violence.
       In time, Comedia dell Arte was born, a highly physical, seemingly anarchic form of Italian comedy in which all the protagonists wore masks. While bringing stock characters up to date, this new genre continued to use the same elements, but with more lavish costumes, becoming closer to traditional pantomimes of the present day. (Mr Burns from the Simpsons is actually moulded on Pantalone, as are many of today’s favourite film and TV villains.)*
       Ancient myths, fables and legends later gave way to a rich seam of tales from the Brothers Grimm, Hans Anderson and even Shakespeare who, when not killing off his entire cast in tragedies such as Hamlet and Lear, no doubt enjoyed a little light relief with comedies like Twelfth Night, Two Gentlemen of Verona and Midsummer Night’s Dream, which could be extremely rambunctious and surreal. At the same time, English Mummers’ Plays came into their own, touring the country and establishing the traditions of modern pantomime. 
       Actors, comedians, singers and other entertainers look forward to a good 'run' over the winter; beginning in December, many pantos can last well into February, providing a welcome antidote to post-Christmas blues and a touch of magic for the kids. OH YES THEY DO!
       
     
* http://shane-arts.com/Commedia-Pantalone.htm+http://www.folkplay.info/Texts.htm

Looking for a job? How to give yourself an edge

       A world-renowned actor was once asked the secret of his success. He replied with three simple words: “I turn up.” Not JUST turn up, you notice.
       ‘To turn up’ meant to present himself for action, ready, able and having memorised his lines. Always willing to listen, eager to learn, happy to follow direction and co-operate with cast and crew, he never threw his weight around even when he became famous, but played all roles to perfection - except for that of the ‘divo’. It all came down to attitude. Because he took his work seriously and behaved with modesty and courtesy, he was pleasure to have around. So he got the parts.
       In the same way, people in other fields who seem to get the breaks also rely on ‘turning up’ rather than on any amount of natural talent or luck. And with fewer jobs available these days, you need all the ‘turning up’ you can get. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve left Cambridge with an Honours Degree or are hoping to get a part-time job at your local Tesco – the principle holds good – a willing pair of hands, a pleasant demeanour and a co-operative spirit will give you a definite edge. Get the attitude right and the rest is purely a formality. 

Be determined

       Getting a regular job really starts in your first year at school. No matter what career you eventually choose, you’ll need to be both literate and numerate, which is why parents and teachers always seem to be on your case! Okay, so you may not want to be a brain surgeon, but truck drivers need to read road signs, factory workers have to fill in job-completion forms, and it really helps if you can tot up your pay cheques every month. To give yourself a fighting chance of a reasonable job, any gaps in your reading, writing and arithmetic need to be plugged – even if it means a short period at night school or an adult learning centre.
       When looking for work, you don’t have to wait for an opportunity to be advertised. With some jobs, such as shop work or bricklaying, you may find the most effective course is to visit the premises and introduce yourself – to simply ‘turn up’. Remember, first impressions really count, so dress smartly and modestly, avoid slang or sloppy speech and, above all, be respectful. Ask the manager or whomever you meet to bear you in mind for a future opening. The fact that you’ve shown initiative will go a long way, even if there’s nothing for you at the time.
       For many positions, however, employees prefer you to go through the usual channels – a covering letter with a well-presented CV. If writing isn’t your strong point, ask someone who’s good with words to draft one up for you. Include any achievements at school, any voluntary work you’ve undertaken, Saturday jobs and other work experience, such as babysitting, car cleaning, pot washing or paper delivery. Even family chores or walking the dog can be included. It’s not so much the skills which employers are looking for as your readiness to work. In short, how willing you are to ‘turn up’!
       Good reference will also help: ask your teachers, scout master, religious minister, doctor, piano teacher - anyone who can give a fair account of your trustworthy character.

Be presentable

       Job counsellor Cleveland Jones advises: “Before going on a job interview, remember, first impressions are lasting impressions.”  Jeans, tracksuits and trainers are definite ‘no no’s’, as employers believe that the way a person dresses is the way the person will approach his work. Always dress appropriately and ensure clothes are clean and pressed. If applying for an office job, wear a suit or, if female, wear tights and dress shoes with a suitable outfit.

Be persistent

       Not many people get the first job they apply for. If you fail at the first attempt, just put it down to experience and keep looking. The more applications you send out, the more likely you are to find the right position.

Be grown up

       Go alone to job interviews. According to Jones, the presence of your mother or friends could make you look immature.

Be honest

        Never try to bluff, as employers are quick to see through any fabrications. He or she will, however, respect your honesty.

Be attentive

       Show an interest in their company and the job for which you have applied. Ask questions. Never use the ‘what’s in it for me’ ploy, which is the biggest turn off ever! It’s up to you to convince the prospective employer that you really want the job and are capable of doing it.

Be persistent

       Employment recruiter Cleveland Jones advises: “Never give up if you are out of school and looking for a job. Do not go out on two or three interviews, then go home and sit and wait. You will never get called for a job that way.” One young candidate took seven months to find the job he wanted, spending eight hours a day, every day searching and applying.  

Be prepared

       Some years ago, a New York State Employment Services Office brochure* gave a list of do’s and don’ts that still hold true for job candidates today:

1.       Address the employer as “Mr Whoever” and not as “Buddy” or “Pal”. At this point in your relationship, he’s very far from being either!

2.       Don’t slouch. Sit up properly in your chair. Concentrate on being relaxed, poised, interested and alert.

3.       Don’t be pressured into answering off the top of your head. Carefully consider each question and take time to formulate our thoughts. When answering, be respectful, honest, modest, frank and accurate. Whatever you do, don’t exaggerate and don’t try to impress!

4.       Savvy interviewees take a guide sheet with them, listing past jobs, dates, salaries, duties and reason for leaving. You should also be ready to say how your experience and training will help you with the job you’re seeking. Another must is a list of at least three references with names, addresses and contact numbers – people who know you and for whom you may have worked.

5.       One of the worst things you can do is talk too much. Answer the interviewer’s questions clearly and distinctly and don’t try to bluff.

6.       Listen to what the interviewer is saying, be polite, tactful and don’t interrupt or, worse, get into an argument!

7.       Steer clear of personal information such as home, health or money worries. The employer is only interested in your ability to do the job.

8.       If the employer feels that you’re not suitable for that particular job, ask about other more relevant positions that may arise in future.

9.       No matter how the interview goes, follow up with a ‘thank you’ letter or email.

10.   And finally, if you get the job, remember to ‘turn up!’

Update – Feb 2013 

Do YOU fidget? Surprisingly, according to a recent study by the University of Roehampton, fidgeting could also help you land that amazing job – but only if you’re male!

A man who drums his fingers, wriggles in his seat or scratches his ears actually demonstrates far less tension at interviews and performs much better in mental arithmetic.

On the other hand, a woman who fidgets displays higher levels of stress, makes more mistakes and is far less likely to impress.

During mock interviews, male and female ‘candidates’ were asked to give a presentation followed by a complex mathematical test -  subtracting units of 17 from an initial 4-figure number.  The men who fidgeted the most got the highest scores, whereas for women the opposite was true. Women who tapped their feet, flicked their hair and generally found it hard to keep still were less able to concentrate on the task and making double the number of errors than females who kept their cool.   

According to a spokesman for the University, while fidgeting may reduce tension for men, their female counterparts may be more aware of doing it and so try to stop themselves, which in turn creates more stress.

 “Why do you keep fidgeting?" said Mr Smyle.

“I’m just dancing in my head,” replied Odi.  He’d always had a problem sitting down for long. The Runaway Children Volume 2 – The Astonishing Mr Smyle by Jacy Brean

 

ADVENTURES OF A DOG WARDEN

Based on the experiences and in memory of Stan Higham who loved all animals, but especially dogs

"My first assignment"

Pest Control HQ was a dingy municipal building in an equally dingy part of town. Although less than 50 metres from Shrewsbury Mold’s main shopping precinct, few pedestrians ventured into its grim vicinity and even the pigeons kept their distance – proving, to my mind at least, that birds do, after all, have souls.

Access to the building was through the parking bay where a neat row of red Municipal vans in assorted shapes and sizes provided the only colour to the drab surroundings.  Inside, the walls were painted the requisite shade of bile green, occasionally brightened by cheerful posters on rabies, Toxacares, Meningitis and all the dire diseases communicable to Man by dogs, mice, rats, fleas, foxes, birds hedgehogs and other species I’d never heard of.

Only Mr Smiley, the Pest Control Supervisor, had the luxury of his own office. The rest of us were cramped together in the Day Room where the Municipal Rat Catcher, a small ferret-faced man called Mr Bevis, the Municipal Disinfestation Officer, Mr Worth and me were allocated one chair, one filing cabinet, half a desk and an unlimited supply of Municipal memo pads.

It was to the Day Room all calls were transferred to be answered by Albert Scrum, the Pest Control Co-ordinator who would, in turn, refer each complaint to the relevant party. For contacting any vehicles in transit, Albert had a radio of which he was inordinately proud and he spent hours fiddling with it – one of the reasons it never seemed to work properly. At every opportunity, he’d give this unique contraption a complete overhaul, taking out all the components, making sure they were all there, blowing off any dust and putting them back again.

Albert had devised special radio code names for each member of the Pest Control team, making sure our activities would never be revealed to MI6. Mr Bevis’ Rat Catcher van was known as Tiger Z; Mr Worth’s Disinfestation van as Axolotl Y; while my own Dog Warden van had been newly christened Panther Z – a surprisingly exotic choice of names for the stoic Albert. I could only assume that, beneath his rather grim Municipal exterior beat a romantic heart, longing for the great outdoors and a lifetime of adventure. But no other sign of this became apparent.

At quarter to eight on that fateful first morning, I arrived at Pest Control H wearing the navy blue Municipal uniform with which I’d been issued. The sleeves were a little long and braces were needed to hold my trousers up yet I felt quite raffish in my new attire and had found the cap particularly effective in traffic as nearly every motorist mistook me for a policeman, slowing down to let me pass as my second-hand Vauxhall cruised down the  bypass.

For my role as Dog Warden, I’d also been issued with a variety of leashes and dog collars, elbow-length gauntlets, and a grasper - long pole with a lever at one end and a noose at the other. The noose could be adjusted once a dog was ensnared while the pole kept the animal at a safe distance from the handler. It was to be used in emergencies when faced with a particularly savage or rabid dog.

My new boss Mr Smiley did little to make me feel welcome as I entered the Day Room. “Who are you!” he snarled, obviously failing to see the words ‘Dog Warden’ emblazoned across my cap.

“Max Hardy, the new dog warden”, I replied. “We met last week if you remember?” A flicker of recognition passed over Mr Smiley’s dour features. “Oh yes – didn’t recognise you in the cap. At least you’re punctual, which is more than can be said for those other two layabouts. Albert!”

“Yes, Mr Smiley?” said Albert Scrum. “Stop fiddling with that blasted radio and find out what’s happened to Bevis and Worth. They should be here by now, setting a good example to the new boy.”

Albert set about his task, wearily shambling down the corridor in search of the latecomers while Mr Smiley began to “apprise” me of “the procedures necessary for the smooth running of Pest Control H.”  My head started to spin trying to memorise which forms to fill in where and on what occasions. “Tell you what,” said Mr Smiley, “Here’s the Instruction Book. Everything you need to know you can find in here.” He handed me a large green binder containing forms, rules, regulations and photocopied diagrams of my territory.

By now, Albert had completed his mission and was wearily shambling back again. “Bevis is sick,” he announced, “and Worth’s got a job to finish in Carter Street.” His duty done, he shambled back to his desk and began sharpening pencils as Mr Smiley retreated to the privacy of his office. “’Bout time we had some tea – put the kettle on, Albert!” Then he disappeared, leaving Albert and me to get acquainted.

“Shall I brew up?” I asked. “Just tell me where everything is and....” Albert answered with a menacing glare. “That’s my job!” he snapped. “Very fussy about his tea, is Mr Smiley.” As he set about his task, I settled myself behind my half of the desk and wracked my brain for something to say. “Get many complaints about dogs, then?” I asked.

Turning his attention away from the kettle, Albert gazed at me as a teacher sometimes does when faced with a particularly stupid child. “Why else d’ye think we need a dog catcher!?” he rapped, effectively squashing any further attempts at conversation. Just as the silence was becoming uncomfortable, the telephone rang and Albert sprang into action, almost leaping over the desk in his eagerness to grab the receiver. “PEST CONTROL!” he yelled – so loudly, I nearly fell off my chair with shock. “What’s that? Oh, you want the dog catcher then!” and he held out the phone to me. “The police are after you!” he said, glaring at me accusingly.

“Hello” I said into the receiver and heard a gruff voice at the other end. “Is that the dog catcher?” “Well, it’s the dog WARDEN actually,” I replied, mainly for Albert’s benefit.

“Do you catch dogs or don’t you?” said the voice impatiently and, before I could answer, Albert snatched the phone from my hand. “Sorry about that, Sergeant Fraser, he’s new!” It was then I realised I was going to have trouble with Albert who handed the phone back with a triumphant smile.

“What can I do for you, Sergeant?” I asked as I desperately searched the desk from something to write with. Strangely, the dozens of newly-sharpened pencils had mysteriously disappeared.

“There’s a dog terrorising people on the Old Cromford Road. Some of the residents have managed to trap it in somebody’s coal cellar, but we need you to come and get it out. It’s a vicious thing – none of our handlers will touch it!”

Half an hour later, I arrived at the Victorian semi where my charge awaited rescue from the cellar. I groaned at the sight of the crowd which had gathered outside the house – the last thing I needed on my first assignment was an audience – but I assumed an air of nonchalance as I emerged from my red Municipal van and walked down the driveway to the side of the house.

Surrounding the coal cellar entrance were four burly men armed with mops and brooms which they kept prodding down the coal chute to intimidate their unfortunate captive. The poor animal could be heard barking and yelping with fear. “Gerrrr get back you brute!” growled the ring-leader who was flourishing a mop and his fellow gaolers joined in with a chorus of “See ‘im off!/Goarrrn you, devil!/get back you swine!” and other pleasantries.

“All right, all right!” I called, as if I knew what I was doing. “You can leave him to me now. Just stand back and let me in.” Three of the men moved away but the man with the mop remained crouched by the cellar, unwilling to relinquish his action man fantasy.

“Would you mind moving just a little?” I asked as politely as I could. The mop man merely glared, refusing to budge an inch. I reminded myself of the first rule in my Municipal Instruction Manual: “Always be courteous to members of the public.” Courteously, I tapped the man with the mop on the shoulder. “Shift!” I cried.

Reluctantly, he stepped back a pace. “Don’t you let that beast escape!” he warned, “Or there’ll be blood flowing round here and most of it’ll be yours!”

Impatient for action, an elderly woman called from the other side of the road. “Let him get on with the job, Pete. Getting his throat ripped out’s what he gets paid for!”

“Aye, on tax-payers money an’ all!” someone else grumbled.

“Where’s the owner of the house?” I asked. “Can I get in through the front door?”

The man with the mop almost spat at me with scorn. “Oh, this guy’s a genius, isn’t he? Of COURSE you can’t get in through the door – otherwise, WE’d have done it ourselves, wouldn’t we? Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here in the first place!”

The residents of the house had apparently gone out for the day, so it seemed I’d have to squeeze myself into the coal cellar after all. Carefully, I wriggled backwards through the narrow vent.

“Watch out, he’ll have your leg!” cried a man with a broom. “It’s not my leg I’m worried about!” I said with feeling before being catapulted down feet first down the coal chute with a force that took my breath away.

After landing ungracefully on a heap of coal with considerable discomfort to my nether regions, I tried to adjust my eyes to the darkness. I couldn’t see the dog. Only the softest growl betrayed his presence and with some relief I realised that has he seriously wanted to attack me, I’d already have been in pieces. At last, I could make out his crouching form where he lay trembling n one corner of the coal cellar.

“Easy Boy,” I whispered. “I won’t hurt you.” Reassured by the sound of my voice, the dog ceased growling and began to whimper with self-pity. No doubt he thought I’d been subjected to the same rough treatment as him – rounded up with household utensils and shoved down a pit by a mob of howling lunatics. In any event, he felt safe enough to approach me and I held out my hand palm upwards for him to sniff before stroking him and uttering soothing words of encouragement. Before long, he was resting one huge furry paw on my shoulder and licking my face enthusiastically.

“So you’re the vicious dog, are you?” I said. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

I attacked a leash to his collar and called up to the people waiting outside. “Stand back, everyone. We’re coming out.”

Unfortunately, getting out was not nearly as easy as getting in, especially now that I had a large German Shepherd on the end of my leash. The poor creature was none too happy at leaving his shelter and no amount of encouragement would persuade him to follow me up the coal chute. After a moment’s thought, I decided the easiest way was to push the dog from behind.

“Go on Boy, Hup you get! Hup! Hup! Hup!” After a few more ‘Hups’, he carefully climbed onto the coal chute ready for the ascent. Still holding onto the leash, I pushed and heaved and almost gave myself a hernia while my new four-legged friend began to wag his tail, enjoying this new game. Slowly, we inched our way up the chute but the strain was beginning to tell and I wondered how long I could support the animal’s weight before my legs gave way.

Help came unexpectedly from a small tabby cat which darted out from nowhere and scurried up the chute ahead of us. With no more ado, the dog leapt forward in pursuit, dragging me behind him. In seconds we had reached the exit and I followed the dog into the sunshine where the four musketeers, mops and brooms at the ready, were standing on a compost heap at the far end of the garden. The crowd had also disappeared and any remaining spectators had sought the safety of their twitching net curtains.

One of the men stepped down from the compost heap, for all the world as though standing on a pile of rotted garbage was something he did every day. “Hey, Frank! I thought you said this dog was savage!”

His remark was in all likelihood prompted by the sight of this large animal standing upright on his back legs, his front paws supported by my left forearm, as he trotted alongside me as if he were being escorted to a ball.

A curious spectacle we must have made, both streaked with coal dust and grinning ear to ear. Front doors flew open as residents reappeared.

“He didn’t bite you then?” Fred commented, trying hard to disguise his disappointment.

“No,” I replied. “But he gave me a nasty lick!” As if on cue, the ‘monster’ resumed wiping my face with his tongue, dribbling down my neck.

The dog was returned to his owners that day, none the worse for his experience but considerably dirtier. The next time I saw him, he was padding along under the strict control of his mistress, 11-year old Susie with her little brother Tom.

I’ll always have a place in my heart for my first canine customer – the only creature who’d been glad to see me on my first assignment.

© S J Hodson (aka Jacy Brean)

Adventures of a Dog Warden is the working title of a work in progress!

NEVER give up on life

 

       
     Thinking of ending it all? You and millions of others.
       According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), there are approximately a million deaths from suicides every year, with one suicide every 40 seconds - a rate that’s predicted to rise to one death every 20 seconds by 2020! In the UK alone, the Samaritans deal with nearly 5 million people every year and are contacted by someone with suicidal feelings every 57 seconds. Mental illness accounts for some 90% deaths worldwide, while one in four youths suffer some form of depression before reaching adulthood. Even more disturbing is that, in a third of countries, people at highest risk are in the 15-44 age range.

Why do so many young people want to end it all?

       Let’s face it, the world is not an easy place to live in right now, especially for youngsters who feel the pressures of life more keenly. Fed by unrealistic expectations, teenagers are particularly prone to negative thoughts, intense feelings of worthlessness and unwarranted guilt. The media are not much help. Dire forecasts, harsh living conditions, economic downturns, climate change, natural disasters, poverty, famine, wars, crime and violence are constantly in the news. Gloom and doom predominate.
       Of course, it’s only natural to worry about what’s happening in the world, to care about the sufferings of others. Empathy is a wonderful virtue, yet if you allow injustices and cruelty to crush your spirit, you’re no use to yourself, let alone anyone else.
       On a personal level, many youths struggle with family problems such as divorce, exam failure, the loss of a friend or relative or even a beloved pet. Some are devastated by unrequited love or the break up of a romance. And, sadly, too many kids have experienced some kind of abuse – verbal, physical or sexual – all guaranteed to damage self-esteem.
       Are any of these problems familiar to you? Do you wrestle with the meaning of life? Is there a purpose? Is this all there is? If so, what’s the point?

Antidotes to negative emotions

       Like many young people today, you may feel utterly helpless at times. Like being at the bottom of a deep black pit from which you can’t see any way out. If you feel worthless and unloved, here are a few basic steps to take:

Talk to someone - a parent, a teacher, a trusted friend. Sharing your feelings will provide relief, as voicing these openly may help you put them in perspective. Another person can also suggest practical ways to alleviate or even solve your problems. And, just by listening, he or she can show that someone understands just what you’re going through.

Seek medical advice - Around 90% of suicides are due to mental illness, particularly depression, which is nothing to be ashamed of, just a medical condition caused by a chemical imbalance which could be easily put right. Or you may be referred to a psycho-therapist who can identify the root of your anxieties.

Ask questions – Make a list of questions to ask your parents or doctor. Knowing what you’re dealing with is half the battle.

Write it down - Putting problems on paper can organise your thoughts, help you rationalise situations and minimise their effects.

Pray - People who believe in God seem to have fewer mental problems than those who don’t. Prayer is a powerful weapon against humans’ most merciless adversary - despair. Just knowing there’s someone who knows you, who can read your every thought and loves you anyway is a great comfort when you’re frightened and distressed. As one ex-soldier said: “There are no atheists in the trenches!”

Don’t isolate yourself - Sure, when you’re down you need space to meditate and cry. But your mind needs a break! Force yourself to mix with other people who can help you forget your problems for a while. Go for a walk - fresh air and exercise are wonderful antidotes to depression. Fill your mind with pleasant and upbuilding things – sports, hobbies, family, friends, wholesome entertainment. Whatever you do, don’t wallow in morbid films, violent online games or aggressive music. Look for the beauty in life, not the horror.

Count your blessings – Think of at least one blessing in your life – everyone has at least ONE. A loving family, loyal friends, good health, a talent for sports, music or other activity; the wonders of science or nature – anything in fact which makes you feel happy. And by accentuating the positives, you can eliminate the negatives!

Think about others – Try to imagine how those close to you would feel if you did anything drastic. The grief, the guilt, the lifetime of unbearable sadness. Could you really put them through that?

Remember this awful darkness WILL pass - just as a grey cloud eventually opens up to reveal the sun behind it. Life is like that. Nothing stays the same. Although problems may seem overwhelming, be patient, ride them out and you’ll often find them being solved in ways you’d never have imagined.

How to help a friend

       If one of your friends seems to be unnaturally low and may be contemplating suicide, then insist that they talk to someone. And if they don’t, YOU talk to someone, either their parents, a teacher or another person who can be trusted. Don’t feel you’re betraying your friend; on the contrary, you may save their life. After all, few people really want to die – they just want to stop their torment.

Warning signs

·         Feelings of worthlessness or being unloved

·         Intense and unwarranted feelings of guilt

·         Profound sadness

·         Change of mood and behaviour

·         Change in sleeping and eating patterns

·         Lack of interest in activities

·         Tendency to isolate oneself

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.befrienders.org/index.asp

Do you hate the way you look?

       If so, you’re not alone. All over the world, millions - billions - of people wake up each morning and wince when they look in the mirror. It seems no matter how appealing we may be to others, most of us are still unhappy with our appearance – especially during those awkward in-between years when physical changes seem to happen overnight, making many youngsters feel like strangers in their own bodies. We may discount features that are genuinely attractive, focus on our flaws and allow these to blight our lives. 
       It’s always been the same. Over 20 years ago, psychiatry Professor Richard M Sarles said: “Adolescence is a period of transition in which a major reorganization of the body takes place. To deal with the awkwardness of a new and changing body, most adolescents rely upon the scrutiny of their peer group.”  Far from being supportive, however, some of our peers can be cruel - either unwittingly by offering well-meaning but uncalled-for advice, or maliciously by teasing or outright derision – causing you to view the way you look in a negative way.

Don’t believe everything you see

       The media doesn’t help. Wherever you turn, you see images of impossibly gorgeous people – film stars, models, singers and the ever-present WAGs who strut through the pages of newspapers and magazines on a daily basis, buffed and toned to perfection. Stop comparing yourself. And don’t believe everything you see. You’d be surprised how ordinary some of these paragons look without their ‘magic’. Teams of professional hair and make-up artists, nutritionists, stylists, artful lighting, sympathetic photographers and loads of airbrushing go a long way. As do Botox, daily facials and cosmetic surgery when the glowing complexion grows a little tired. (Don't believe me? Then check out the link below to see how even the most glam stars look without their warpaint!) 
       Believe it or not, even Marilyn Monroe could pass unnoticed in a crowd! Only when she 'put on' her movie star persona did she become the focus of attention!
       When working in public relations some years ago, I met quite a few models, most of whom relied more upon poise and attitude than any spectacular features. ALL had at least one perceived flaw to fret about, just like any other young person. Like you and me. One of the top models at the time was a friend of my brother so I got to know her fairly well. To be honest, on first sight it was hard to see how her admittedly pleasant but rather undistinguished round face made the covers of so many glossies.  Her secret? She was unbelievably photogenic. While not so eye-catching in the flesh, she (like Monroe) was totally transformed by the camera. Quite simply, it loved her. 
       If, like me, you don’t photograph well (should a zealous customs officer challenge my identity after looking at my passport pic, I'd be wildly flattered!), you can take comfort in knowing the reverse is often true. Most of us are far, far better looking in real life than we appear on film, which fattens our figures and flattens our facial contours. The subtleties of bone structure seem to disappear entirely under natural light – and, in my experience, full sunlight is the worst!

Be realistic

       Of course, if you feel suicidal whenever you glance into a mirror, this has more to do with your own assessment than that of anyone else. “My nose is too long!” “My mouth’s too thin!” “My ears stick out!” “I’ve so many spots!” The same plaintive wails emanate from bathrooms all over the world, often without cause. Unfortunately, how we view ourselves may influence the way we’re seen by others and even put a spoke in our relationships and careers. According to Dr. James P. Comer: “Body image is part of self-image. It can affect a person’s self-confidence and what he does and does not do in life.” 
       This is why you need to be realistic. Care is especially needed when assessing our weight, as the image we see in the mirror can be grossly distorted. In one recent study, nearly 60% of teenage girls thought they were overweight, yet only 17% actually were!  Other research found 45% of underweight women considered themselves too fat. 
       Puberty drastically alters body shape, with a girl's body fat increasing from around 8% body fat to around 22% when she enters her teens. There's no need to worry about gaining weight or to start dieting but if you want to keep a check on your eating habits, here’s a couple of tips: Eat a good breakfast, which stops you getting too peckish and overindulging later in the day, and drink a large glass of water to reduce your appetite before each meal. 
       Oh, and if you're anxous about your skin, the best advice you could ever have is to never EVER use a magnifying mirror - at least not until age and failing eye-sight have their way. By that time you a) won't care about those blackheads anymore and b) be unable spot them even if you did!      

Celebrate your differences

       When examining your other supposed imperfections, ask yourself, are they real or is it just your own jaundiced view? Could that interesting dimple, crease or crookedness actually enhance your looks? Take your favourite celebrity, somebody whose looks you admire. Are they really perfect, or is their attractiveness due to an unusual or prominent feature? Perhaps one they hated when younger? The fact is - a perfect face with total symmetry and features in precise proportion is extremely rare. And (whisper it!) rather plain.  Your average forty-year-old may seem decrepit but often it’s the expression in their face that makes it attractive, whereas somebody the same age who’s had every wrinkle smoothed with surgery and fillers not only looks blank, but weird and scary. 
       Above all don’t let the world squeeze you into its mould. The fashion, beauty and marketing industry would love us all to follow their dictates, to wear their labels and smother our faces with their products. But what may suit Selena Gomez (or Justin or Harry) may look ridiculous on you. So what if your peers are following the trends? You're not a clone, you're an individual with your own specific tastes. And if they criticize your appearance, analyse why. Are they trying to be helpful or just wanting to put you down? Chances are, though, most of your contemporaries friends are too busy agonising over their own shortcomings to notice anyone else's. 
       Remember too that hurtful comments are often caused by spite or envy. At school, a young girl was told she looked like a duck because of the shape of her mouth. She grew up to be a stunningly beautiful actress, famous for her enviable pout!  Ironically, it’s the very things you may now dislike about yourself that could one day be your greatest assets. So learn to like what you see. Be comfortable in your skin. Celebrate your differences. Concentrate on the person inside and let your own lovable nature take care of the rest! 
       That’s what real beauty is all about.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2378451/Thought-YOU-looked-scary-war-paint-Celebrities-reveal-lies-beneath-make-free-day.html